The day in the life of Trish...

Christmas vacation

2011-12-29T21:49:00.000-05:00

As I sit here during my Christmas vacation and think of the year we've had and the things that have happened this year, I find that I am so sad. Our year has not been a great one and I've been thinking so much about all the disappointments, heartache and pain this year has caused.

Then I blinked and suddenly saw something so clear. I looked around the room and saw my family. All three boys happy and laughing while eating dinner and Mr. Paul too. As a kid I remember thinking all I wanted was a husband that loved me and some kids.

Yes this has not been the best year we've ever had and we've had loss but what I wanted as a kid I have. I decided that although one of this years biggest disappointments is not totally over yet, I have so much to be happy about. Do I allow this disappointment I feel to define me? Have I ever allowed disappointment or loss to define me?

Mr. Paul and I have nearly been married 15 years, my kids are happy and healthy, everything else is irrelevant. Life for me has been hard and full of disappointments as it has been for most but ultimately I have so much more than so many.

Home is where I hang my hat, where my kids laugh, where my husband hugs me and kisses me goodnight. My life is a success and I have accomplished to create a family that I wouldn't trade for anything at all. My family is what defines me and for that I am happy.

My day to day life

2011-11-06T14:52:00.003-05:00

For whatever reason, I just realized that although my blog is entitled the day in the life of Trish, this blog is rarely about me. I write of Mr. Paul, the kids, my family, whatever is going on around me but I seldom ever write of me or my actual day to day life.

I guess when you look at the big picture, that statement isn't necessarily true either. My kids, family and Mr. Paul they are my daily life. They are people I entrust in my day to day life. They don't dictate who I am, but they are definitely an extension of me.

Wonder

2011-10-30T20:55:00.006-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am destined for hard. Seems like my entire life has been a struggle. My parents struggled my entire childhood, then my beginning early adult life until now it's always a struggle. Now with technology and social networks like facebook, I feel like I read everyone's posts and everyone I know their life seems so leave it to Beaver. My life is so not. In my family we call it the Birch curse.

My kids have a hard life too it seems like. I always wonder if I could do something, anything to make their lives easier, but then I turn around and yet more trouble, more drama, more problems. I know in my heart that somethings are just not in my control, nor am I to blame for the things that have happened but my gut says, "what did I do wrong"? Was I too easy on them, did I give too much, did I not teach them enough? Did they not learn anything from me? Did I teach them that?

I thought for sure this would be our year. My family would finally have a new home to kind of start over. We've lived here a month and well I am short two kids. One is on his own, and although it's part of life and it's natural, I hate it. I hate him being gone, living alone, not knowing if he's okay or not, not hearing from him for a day or more. He is of course fine, but I was not prepared for his departure. The other one, well he messed up big time this time and he is not home right now. I can't fix it, I can't control it, I am totally helpless. All I can do is stand there, support him, and hope for the best. I know that my friends have life drama and I know everyone's life isn't a bowl of cherries, but I wonder if it's normal for me to dream of cherries. To hope that for once even if only for a little while, I can get up in the morning and not have any worries? Not have to wonder what if? Should I have? Could I have? Just wake up and enjoy everything around me?

Once I had someone tell me that they felt like no matter what happens to me and my family that we always come out on top or better than before. That amazed me. Literally this person knows me pretty well and knows all about the tribulations I have undergone, and yet for whatever reason they felt like through it all we come out better? I suppose I have had people in my life that I felt like no matter what happened to them they always came out better so I suppose that feeling is normal.

In the summer Trae broke his back in 5 places and he told me he was jumped. Therefore I told my friends he was jumped. Several days later, I found out that was not what happened at all but was too scared, worried, stressed, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, confused, I don't know really the right word to use but I didn't go back and correct what I had previously said. To those that asked me about it after I did tell the truth too but I didn't go back to the previous people. I had several people tell me I was a liar and deleted me from their lives. I was really hurt by that. How could my friend delete me from their lives based on my son lying to me?? Was it not bad enough for me that my son was seriously hurt, in a brace to lay flat on his back for 12 weeks?? How about this? Why does it matter how he was hurt, he is my son and he was hurt badly, is that enough to be there for me as a friend? Additionally with no strings attached?

Now I find myself so angry at so many people for not being there when I needed them. Not asking me if he was okay. Not saying a prayer for him, or for us. Now he is fine, and Coty is in need of prayers. Same situation, stupid behavior caught up with him. He knows it, I know it, but yet he is my son, he is in need, period. Is it really necessary to text me how stupid what he did is? Is that helpful at all? Does it serve any purpose at all? NO! Or the best is when people with babies or people with NO kids at all text me to give me parental advise. Really? Are you seriously shitting me? You have no idea what you would do with your own kid since your kids are like wearing diapers, so how about just keep your rude comments to yourself?? Not helpful and only pisses me off.

I've been in bed sick as a dog for the past 7 days so I've been doing a lot of thinking. Although everything in my life is in utter termoil right now, I am going to wake up tomorrow with a fresh new aspect. I plan on looking around the world I see everyday and seeing the good, watching the sun rise as I drive to work, work hard as I always do, but tomorrow with a smile regardless of how sick I still feel. I plan on telling all my kids and Mr. Paul how much I love them, and how important they are to me. I plan on letting my friends know how important they are to me and trying as hard as I can to do right, everyday in whatever I can so regardless of how hard my life is daily, at least the people within it will know how much I love them. I also want to be there for people even if they haven't been there for me, so that maybe they will be there next time someone needs them. (That's the hardest one for me to do)

I often wonder if life could be easier, and since tomorrow is my 42nd birthday I don't believe those are the cards I will ever be dealt, but I can say that although my life is hard and always has been, I do have a great job, some wonderful friends and a fabulous family. When push comes to shove I am blessed.

More progress

2011-09-10T16:27:00.002-04:00

The builder is saying the house will be done October 2. That's 2 weeks ahead of schedule. I am not upset at all, so tired of moving. Here are the latest photos.

Progress

2011-08-15T19:58:00.004-04:00

The builder broke ground on July 7, 2011 and the above photos are where we are. The fireplace is in, the electric is wired, the plumbing is in, the windows are in and the exterior doors are in. It's been very exciting and of course stressful. We finished our final appointment on Saturday which as picking the flooring.

The next 8 weeks will go by slowly I am sure but it should be very exciting watching it come together and hopefully be everything we dreamed it to be. I don't think it's possible for it not to be since we have chosen everything from the ground up.

Mr. Paul and I have been through some rough times with buying and moving from home to home. We have moved 3 times since May 2011 and 5 times since 2007. Its been crazy and hard and very rough but now we have a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know everyone in my family will appreciate what we have been through and what it's taken to get there. We look forward to the future.

The making of our home

2011-07-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

July 7, 2011, and Coty's 17th birthday they broke ground on our new home. In 14 weeks we will be moving for the final time. October can't come soon enough.

Richmond Motor Speedway

2011-06-02T21:49:00.003-04:00

Mr. Paul and I had an opportunity to attend our first Nationwide race for NASCAR at the Richmond Motor Speedway. A guy at work has season tickets and couldn't attend so we bought his tickets. We had never been to Richmond and never been to a Nationwide race. It was a fun day but not like the Cup or the truck races since neither Mr. Paul or I have a favorite driver in Nationwide. It was not something we would do again, but it's now checked off the list of things to do.

I did however buy a awesome Jimmy Johnson #48 hoodie to wear so that made it all worth it. The thing I hate about NASCAR shops is nothing is ever girlie. Yes they have "A" pink hat per driver but nothing is ever unique or strickly girlie. Like my hoodie they have the same print for every driver. I would rather have something unique to my driver. To top it off my hoodie is for a girl but only came in dark blue would have liked it so much better in pink, but it's Jimmy all the same.

2011 Andrews AFB air show

2011-05-24T20:14:00.004-04:00

Mr. Paul, Logan and I went to the air show at Andrews AFB. We were all surprised at the lack of compassion for handicap. I have a problem if I walk to much from a car accident I was in several years ago. The website indicated there was a shuttle that took the handicap from the BX (the designated parking for handicap) to the airshow which if walked is about 2/3 or 3/4 of a mile. Well come to find out no shuttle and no compassion for me or anyone else that was parked there. We walked which as previously stated is somewhat of a problem for me and did I mention it was 90 degrees outside? Oh well the show was great and now I have an 11 year old who says he is going to join the military because it's so cool. Here are some pictures from our adventure.

New Beginnings

2011-04-09T16:28:00.002-04:00

3 acres of peace and quiet. That is the lot Mr. Paul and I have chosen to build our new house on. Pictures to come as changes take place. We got our approval letter from the bank so now we just need to sign the contract with the builder. We have chosen the builder and the floor plan is final, just a few final decisions.

Just shut your mouth

2011-04-01T20:13:00.003-04:00

Do you know someone that everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie? Or everything that matters anyway. Even when people like this are telling the truth you don't believe them because they have lied so much before.

Under normal circumstances we wouldn't surround ourselves with someone like this, we would delete them from our facebook, or stop calling them, maybe block them from calling us, but what do you do when it's someone that isn't easily disposed of?

The person like this in my life is really on my last nerve. It's not bad enough that everything out of their mouth is some form of a lie, or hugely stretched form of the truth but they actually go to the point of trying to convince me they aren't lying by saying they told me and I have forgotten.

Remember when we were driving down the road and you almost hit that car in front of us when we were on the way to the movies? Well that's what we were talking about when that happened. So now they haven't just lied but they are building more onto the initial lie and thinking I'm so stupid I don't know any better.

Well I've been dealing with this craziness for years and I think I'm finished with it finally.

So would you please just stop lying and shut your mouth. (You know who you are)

Fed up

2011-03-31T21:09:00.005-04:00

I started this blog as a way to give me some therapeutic help when my mother died, but since then I have really tried to stay somewhat honest but upbeat. This week has not been one of my better weeks. I am pretty much pissed at everyone in my house with exception to one person whose identity shall remain anonymous till the end to keep your curiosity going.

Lets see, first Mr. Paul is in California this week he left Monday and although his absence was very much something I was looking forward too, when he left I missed him (day 1). Then the drama with him started and it was all to clearly as to why I was looking forward to my week break from him. Today is Thursday he returns in two days and it's like he's never left. The only difference between him being there and being here is we ride to and from work together.

I am taking a college class (Marine Biology) and I am not doing as well in it as I would like. Biology has never been my strength. Lets face it I failed it in high school for 3 years because I wouldn't dissect a frog.

I cleaned the house (which is fairly easy considering it's almost all the way packed) and the boys come through and it's like I did nothing.

I have been asking Coty for two weeks to clean his room. Let me explain he has clothes on his bed, on his floor, covering the entire room. In his dresser? Nothing! When and I do want to say when he does actually clean his room it consists of one of two things. One he takes all the clothes in his entire room and throws them into the dirty laundry or two he throws them into his armor (dresser) in one big swoosh and God help you if/when you open it. Apparently now he is almost 17 and he feels that he can be big and bad so when I say please clean your room I don't get the above 2 options, I get WHY DOES IT MATTER, IT'S MY ROOM THEIR ONLY CLOTHES! It's not a normal friendly tone either, it's this condescending, loud, shut the hell up tone that makes me want to gouge out his larynx out and throw it into the woods. So now that it's been 2 weeks and the room of clothes that isn't mine to worry about is still messy I've made a parental decision. If there is so much as a sock on that damn floor when I wake up tomorrow it's getting bagged up and taken to the Salvation Army.

Lets talk about Trae. He smokes and although he hasn't done it in front of me he sits in his truck by the mailbox and smokes while he sits in his truck. Well I guess because I am a rational thinker I never once thought he was throwing his butts out the window of the truck on the ground. Me as an ex smoker, I would never dream of doing that. I flicked off on a neighbor for throwing a butt in my yard, that's some ghetto shit period. Well today I went to the mailbox and there had to be 30 butts on the road. Now lets think about this, it's not the yard, it's not the driveway but its still the street in front of our house. Are you freaking kidding me??? I warned him today to pick up every one of them before it was dark or he would be paying me 25 cents per butt I picked up.

I told them (Trae and Coty) two weeks ago that the hallway bathroom was their responsibility. They were to decide amongst the two of them who would do it or how they would split it, but it was to be cleaned once a week by Friday. Now tomorrow is Friday and it's the second Friday since the conversation and it hasn't been cleaned yet. Seriously what do I have to do, this house is 3 floors, 3600 square ft, do I really have to clean a bathroom that I have never stepped into except to clean? Bull crap and I'm sick of it.

My job? Job is wonderful, boss is wonderful, commute is wonderful, love it, but the person who sits directly in front of me in her cube is a whisperer. You know the type. The person who thinks that they are so invaluable and so whatever that they speak so softly that you feel like ripping their tongue out when they talk. I'm looking at her, I see her mouth moving but all I hear is like this fricking annoying hissing sound that makes me want to gouge out my own eyes. It's like being in a real live Charlie Brown comic. BLAH BLAH BLAH you know the teacher is speaking but what the hell is she saying. If that wasn't bad enough all day you hear this hissing sound like a whistle non stop all day 9 hours.

We are supposed to be building a house, and the loan paperwork is taking forever. Understandable the world is crazy, banks are leery but everyday that goes by is another day my builder can't start and we aren't making progress. Our lease ends June 30 and as of today we have no where to live and even if the house were started today it wouldn't be done till August so basically I have no idea where my family is going to live. In regards to that the boys (Trae and Coty) are going to visit their dad in Oregon. The dates are June 25 - July 5. Perfect, now I don't have my kids to help move but I won't have their friends either. With my back being the way it is, hmmm one wonders what the heck are we going to do now???? Good Luck Mr. Paul!

I really don't think I have much more to complain about so if you haven't figured it out already, Logan is the one and only person that isn't annoying me. He makes my bed everyday, he cleans up what the other two mess up, he helps me, he will do anything I ask. Shout out to Logan for remaining off my shit list when just about everyone else is on it.

I finally did it...

2011-03-09T21:50:00.003-05:00

My son Trae has 4 tattoo's. One = a lion and tribal on his left shoulder. Two = purple angel wings on his collar bone (base of his neck) he got the wings in remembrance of my mother and purple for his lost friend Stephen Pronobis. Three = Always on his left wrist and Four = Spartans helmet that is torn and tattered. His explanation to that was that life is hard but you must keep fighting and press on.

He has always wanted me to get a tattoo. He begs me and I have always wanted one, but couldn't think of the perfect one to get, something I would want forever, something I would never sick of. Something I would always love.

So last week I did it. I got "Always" on my left wrist as my son has, he wanted his momma to have it, he wanted to be there and I did it. It meant a lot to me that he wanted me to have it, it meant a lot to me that he wanted to share that with me, it just meant a lot to me overall.

So regardless of what you think or feel I have it, and I will "ALWAYS" love it.

Not a lie

2011-03-02T20:54:00.003-05:00

A lie is defined as a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive. I get that but in my world I would like to take the definition one step more. To me a lie is also intentionally NOT telling me something.

I have had this thought in my head my entire life. As an adult I have tried to go through my day to day life with the thought that the truth is always harder than a lie and life is hard enough all by itself without adding complications to it, like lies. When you lie you have no integrity, when you have no integrity, I have no use for you.

So the moral of my story is I was shocked today to realize that I must be alone in this. I was talking to my son's principal today and he said to me "Logan didn't lie to me, he just left some of the story out". OMG what? I corrected him and said that not telling is lying PERIOD!!!! If you didn't think telling the ENTIRE story would get you in trouble why wouldn't you tell the entire story? The fact remains that you know you did something wrong and you instinctively try to protect yourself.

Am I alone?

Daytona 500

2011-02-27T17:46:00.014-05:00

Mr. Paul, Logan and I drove to Gainsville, FL to my sisters house on February 17th for the truck race on the 18th. It took 13 hours and we drove it straight down. We got up Friday and drove to Daytona Beach FL for the race. We parked inside the track and went in to see Ron and his wife Lindy. Once in we got to go to the race track which we have never been allowed to do before and Logan wrote his name on the start finish line. The day after that we drove to Cocoa Beach, FL to see Mr. Paul's mother and spend a night with her. It was a wonderful visit.

Then we drove home stopping half way to sleep in a hotel and arriving home Monday February 22. It was a very long trip in a short amount of time, but it was really fun.

New Years resolutions

2010-12-21T19:16:00.004-05:00

Okay who the hell thought of creating this list of things we want to change upon the New Years? We've all done it, we've created this list of negatives in our lives that we WANT to change upon New Years day. I want to work out, lose weight, stop yelling, spend time with family and friends, buy a house, stop using credit cards, etc.... the list goes on and on, I've done it, you've done it, we've all done it, but ultimately if we make the change what the hell does it have to do with New Years? If it's important can't we make the change now? I get the whole goal thing, quitting smoking that was a goal, I did it August 15, 2010. Of course thanks to my having self control and motivation to quit something that was ultimately going to kill me, I have created yet another problem. FOOD... OMG the food - if it's not nailed to the floor, or being chewed by another, I'm shoveling it down. Therefore now I have 25 pounds to lose, no clothes that fit and the self esteem of an ant.

You wonder why there hasn't been any family photos? Any new photos of me? Let me spell it out for you, FOOD IS NOT MY FRIEND. Then I wonder is it really that I quit smoking? My friend said that maybe it's that ever since I started this new job that I love so much maybe I'm settled so to speak. I thought you know that could be true, but after careful consideration, I thought what settles but a house. LOL funny a house settles not a body.

So what else could it be? After careful consideration and 41 long years of life, I have noticed that when I am confronted with stress, I eat. So many people like me in the world, I think we are often termed "stress eaters". Last year many of you will remember that my son lost a friend to suicide and the effect it had on my son was well it was horrible. We made it through that, and I actually began to believe the bad times were behind us.

So much for that, how stupid am I really?? Two days ago, Mr. Paul and I were out Christmas shopping and we decided to stop and order the boys some food, when the text comes in. He wants to know if he can go see his girlfriend. That's a pretty innocent text, but I had to request since we were gone that he wait until we arrive home which would be in about 20 minutes so his younger brother would not be home alone.

Holy dog crap you would have thought I literally gnawed off his arm with my teeth. WTH was I thinking to request such a thing. However stupid me for not expecting the wrath of such a response. He didn't respond with anything but an "Alrighty". I thought well okay then wow he isn't mad, cool. Then I came home. For about the first 30 minutes all was normal, but then it happened. Out of no where he tells me that the night before when he asked to go to a friends house, they decided not to go there and he went to the mall instead. I said well the mall closes at 10 you got home at 12 where were you for 2 hours? He said well after the mall we went there. So I said "how come after 2 years of getting into trouble for not telling me where you are, you still don't get it? He looked at me and out it came. You are such a bad parent, you have always favored Trae, my dad knows it, Trae knows it, Paul knows it, everyone knows it. Whatever I do is a no, whatever Trae wants is a yes.

I began to justify. I don't favor one over the other, one is simply a grown adult, with a job, a car, and the same rules don't apply. Then it comes, you are a FAILURE! My dad and I were just talking about this the other day, you shelter me too much. I swear I think my heart stopped, my only thought was don't cry, don't cry, OMG did he just call me a failure??? I thought no he didn't say that, I just thought that's what he said until oooops here he goes with more. When I turn 18 next year, I am out of here, I hate you, I hate looking at you, I hate talking to you, I will never ever speak to you again. I have never cussed on this blog but this calls for a big fat HOLY SHIT. I was shocked, I was hurt, I was emotionally crushed, I walked away. I sat on the couch and I told Mr. Paul, please call Andy and ask him what we should do. I don't know what to do, but I can't take this. His words just kept creeping back into my brain like a hammer, YOU'RE A FAILURE, YOU'RE A FAILURE!!!!!!!!

So there you have it, the words that I never thought I would ever hear. This happened two days ago and he hasn't said a word to me until today. Ready for round two?

Today he tells me that tomorrow at school is a half day and no one is going. I say, you are going. He says well I have to have a book then can you take me to Borders? Why do you need a book today for tomorrow? Can't you write the name of the book down and we'll get it this weekend? If no one is going to school tomorrow why do you need it tomorrow? So I got this perfect thought. I bought Trae the new Steven King book, it's a bunch of several short stories, I will give Coty that book, ask him to take it tomorrow and don't mess it up and then I will buy another one after Christmas and everyone is happy, right? This is the big HELL NO. Of course you give me something that was Trae's, you've always favored him. If Trae wanted to stay home from school you would have let him but because it's me, I have to go to school. So typical, never says anything to me but NO.

Please tell me what did I do wrong? I have been laying in bed all day literally working from my laptop with the heating pad on my stomach from terrible pain. I don't want to go to Borders, I don't want to breath, and I certainly don't want to fight, but of course because I gave him what I had bought as a gift for Trae and I was making him go to school on a half day when no one else is going I am again called a failure. WTF??? If I am the only parent in the county making their kid go to school, wouldn't the school be shut down?

So I wait, I wait for Christmas day to sit in the room while he opens all the things I bought for him out of love and now all I want to do it hit him over the head with them. Some say I should return everything I bought for him and have him sit there while the other two open gifts. I just couldn't do that but at the same time am I rewarding bad behavior? Oh did I forget to tell this one? Last week he asked me to return all his gifts and give him the money so he could buy his girlfriend something super. I said no of course, he went off, he said that it wasn't too much to ask, and if that's what he wanted why couldn't I just do it. I said Okay how about I return all your gifts, take the money and give it to charity in your name? Okay yeah he didn't like that answer either. So now he has gifts, that he supposedly doesn't want and I lay in bed crying over how to fix this child that seems broken.

Is he broken? Does he really just hate me, could it be as simple as that? Is it his 18 and 19 year old friends that run the streets, do what they want, everyday and every night that Coty just longs to be accepted by? is it a combination of all of this? How do I fix it?

So when you ask me what is your New Years resolution, I need to lose weight, I need to exercise, but all I really need is my son to have some peace within and show me some love.

Am I thankful?

2010-11-24T12:34:00.002-05:00

Today I arrived at work and as I walked by a gentlemen I work with he said to me “Be thankful”. I sighed in just utter disgust. Thanksgiving is really the beginning of the holiday season, the day to give thanks, the day on facebook every single stinking post is about giving thanks. So annoying am I the only one on the planet who feels grumpy this year?

Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for many random things both big and small. I am thankful for my family, I am thankful for my health, I could literally go on and on regarding things I am thankful for but in reality when I think of thanksgiving I think of an entire day of cooking, an entire day of trying to make sure that all the food is hot at the same time, all the dishes that will need to be washed, football on the TV, and no family to share it with us.

I’ve been noticing lately that my mood is pretty much in the gutter. It appears that everyone around me is suffering the wrath of my anger but I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t even really want to text (which you know is bad), I definitely don’t want anyone to visit, I just want to be left alone and thanksgiving is not the time of year where anyone wants to leave anyone else alone. Everyone is cheerful and happy and huggy, even strangers are nice this time of year and then there is me. I want to scream at the top of the tallest mountain, get up off me already!
Anyway I hope this “mood” passes by Christmas but I guess we will have to wait and see. In the meantime I guess I will be the Grinch that stole Thanksgiving.

Jimmy Johnson #48 - NASCAR

2010-11-16T22:01:00.004-05:00

My brother Johnnie and his family moved to NC and we went to visit him. Johnnie's son Jeremy races and therefore we met Ron Hornaday, #33- 4 time Craftsman Truck Series champion. My brother and Ron had become friends and so Johnnie introduced us. When we went to watch Jeremy race we met Chad Little who gave me and Mr. Paul garage passes for Martinsville, VA. That's how the horror began.

Our first NASCAR race. Who would have known that would be the start to a life we can't get enough of. That day was not only my first actual race but literally my first experience with NASCAR. I had heard of a few of the "veterans" names like Earnhardt, Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordan, Tony Stewart, etc but I was literally of the attitude that I would pretty much rather watch paint dry then watch a bunch of cars go in a circle. B-O-R-E-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had been known to watch a wreck or two on the recaps.

But what happened next was a miracle. They were introducing the drivers so as they did the drivers would come on a golf cart to a roped off area I happened to be standing in. The only thing I had to get autographs on was my Pit Pass so I ripped it off and hoped for the best. Of course since I didn't know who the drivers were or what they looked like, I just looked for a cart with a guy in a driving suit on and hoped for the best. Well I was walking backwards while whatever driver was signing and then I would turn and run back to get the next autograph. When suddenly I turned suddenly and wham! I ran into some guy in a drivers suit who grabbed my sides to steady us both and keep us from slamming onto the pavement. I didn't know who he was or what his name was but the one thing I could tell you was he was HOT! (Did I mention his wife is beautiful - she was there too)

As we got our balance we both smiled and I apologized as he said it was fine. I went to get another autograph and asked one of the other spectators who is that man over there and pointed. They said that is Jimmy Johnson #48 . I remember saying "Well that is my driver".

Jimmy won that race and the next 4 so I told Mr. Paul that I was good luck. See Jimmy touched me and won 5 in a row. LOL Anyway, many people tease me that I joined the bandwagon since Jimmy is well he is the best and has been for 4 years. As you can see by my story that is not the case, my choice was made by looks alone and no knowledge at all, but clearly it was a good one.

Now we have one race to go and Jimmy is 15 points behind the points leader, Denny Hamlin, #11. Homestead Motor Speedway, in Miami FL is a race that for the past 4 years Jimmy has not had to worry about. He went into this race already untouchable. This year that is not the case, he is 15 down and he needs to be ahead of Denny to win his 5Th consecutive Championship. Can he do it? We will know on Sunday. What do I say? Lowe's, lets build something together.

Washingtons National Harbor

2010-11-14T14:48:00.001-05:00

Yesterday Mr. Paul said he thought it would be fun to walk around the National Harbor. So we loaded up the car and drove down. We were surprised how many people had that same thought. After parking the car we started out our journey.

We saw the "Awakening" (pictured below). Its this huge sculpture of a man in the sand waking up in the morning. It was located in another place in DC but when they built the harbor they actually moved the sculpture.

We walked in and looked at all the various shops. There was definitely shops that were out of our league. One of my favorite shops was the Artcraft store. The artist Sticks is incredible and it's so cool but out of my league for sure. 3200.00 for a mirror is crazy talk to me but man was it really super cool. I loved the perpetual calendars but at almost 2000.00 for wall decor is well not in my budget.

The Peeps and company store was definitely cool. They sale hot tamales but in various hot levels. We bought the fire ones but they had blazen too. Can you imagine blazen hot tamales?

Overall it was a great day of walking and enjoying the peace of being outside and just relaxing.

Halloween 2010

2010-11-01T12:25:00.005-04:00

Smoking or not

2010-09-28T20:55:00.003-04:00

I think most teens experiment with cigarettes from time to time, as I know I did. Both of my parents were smokers although the only recollection I have of them smoking was when I was a young teen I remember my mother locking herself into the bathroom so she could sneak one.

My next memory of smoking, I was in the back of the car with Andy, his father and a family friend I think her name was Jane. They were in the front seat smoking and the windows were only down slightly. I remember Andy saying how it stunk and how he would never smoke (for the record he does) and I said I probably would.

Long story short the day I got off the plane at technical school in Mississippi the first thing I did was buy a pack. Maybe it was the first time away from home, maybe it was the stress of basic training, maybe that everyone I knew smoked, who knows really, maybe its just in my blood.

So since I was 20 I have been a smoker off and on. I believe the longest I have ever quit was for 2 years. My kids always complain about the smell or dog me about how it will kill me. So the moral of this story? I quit smoking again. The one thing that I have to de-magnify my stress level. I don't miss the dry mouth or the smell on my clothes, but being able to go outside and release my stress I do miss that.

Everyone tells me I should be proud of myself but all I can see is the 12 pounds of weight I have gained. Most of my clothes don't fit, most often to cover that I just leave my pants unzipped and unbutton ed and wear a long shirt. Sad but true.

So I asked my son Trae would you rather have a fat mom or a mom that smokes? He said a fat mom. Although he continued to say that I am not fat and made me feel as if I had made all the right decisions.

So I have been plugging along, swallowing every morsel of food that wasn't nailed to the ground and resisting the urge to smoke and you know what I found out? One of my children smokes. Yeah and what can I say about it? Not a damn thing. Nothing like calling the kettle black if I do. All I can say is I hope that my addiction is not his. It's one day at a time for me and the weight gain although it doesn't help my already small esteem issue, I know one day that will pass too.

Acceptable one fisted snack

2010-09-22T21:18:00.003-04:00

Okay help me out here. Logan is in the 5th grade. At his school, lunch is at 1:15 pm. So 2 days ago the school sent home a letter informing parents what was and was not an "acceptable" snack. The letter stated:

Due to the late scheduled lunch time, the students will be able to enjoy a lite healthy snack mid morning to keep up their energy. The following is a list of highly suggested snacks the students may bring in. These are items that can be enjoyed with one hand while working.

Carrot sticks

Apples (if they are cut)

Celery

Pretzels

100 Calorie Snacks

Animal Crackers

Cheese Its

Cheese Nips

Goldfish

Raisins

String Cheese

Craisins

* Should I send a whole apple and test out the policy?

Absolutely none of the following are allowed:

Chocolate

Nuts

Candy

Potatoes chips

Lunchables

Cheetos

Cheese Curls

pickles

fruit cups

fruit roll-ups

Also anything that requires two hands to eat, a spoon or fork, and liquid.

Okay seriously? Thanks for letting our kids have a freaking snack, but could you make this crap any more difficult?? So day one I get out the celery and thought well that's kind of boring so I will cut it short and put some peanut butter in the middle for my dear 5th grader, so he can regain his strength.

You would have thought I cut off someones arm. Logan comes home from school telling me that she made him throw the entire thing away and she sent home a new letter with the word "Nuts" and "Absolutely No" underlined.

Excuse me? No she didn't. So being me, I emailed her and said why not just tell Logan you know buddy, today I will let you slide, but tell your parents that peanut butter has nuts in it and we can't risk it but no she made him ditch it and go without a snack completely. Hello again I say "No she didn't!!!" I explained very politely that I got the whole nut thing, but if my son isn't allergic and they don't share snacks, why couldn't he have at least eaten it that day only?

She emailed back explaining that "NUTS" are deadly even if only being breathed by someone who is allergic.

I'm sorry so if you are allergic to nuts can you go to the grocery store? Holy crap what if your at Costco and they are handing out celery with peanut butter will you collapse right then and there? What if your Christmas shopping in the mall and Ms. Fields cookie store has not only peanut butter cookies, but peanut butter and nuts? Now what??

Don't get me wrong I've watched my share of TV about allergies, but did she really need to be that way over a simple mistake? She sent home another letter just in case we hadn't paid enough attention to the first letter. Okay so I made a mistake, what the hell --does she want me to flip my card or give up recess??

Meanwhile there are 12 year olds having babies, doing drugs, and God knows what else but she's going to spend two days defending peanut butter and air?? I think a jar of JIF for Christmas is in order.

I wish...........

2010-09-04T20:10:00.006-04:00

Have you ever seen the movie "The Breakup"? I've seen it at least 100 times. It's one of those movies that has a lot of really funny parts. After several times of seeing it the funny parts seem fewer and the arguing becomes more than you can bear.

However today it was on and I was tired and not awake yet and so I decided to just watch it. As I watched it I began to realize that there was something I hadn't realized in all the times that I had seen it.

In the beginning when their family and friends left and the fight happened she went into her room and slammed the door. She stood there waiting, then you hear his foot steps start walking towards the room but before he gets there he stops, turns and leaves.

Then she starts having these men come to the house. She actually tells her sister that she needs a hot man to make her boyfriend really jealous. She doesn't want to date any of these men, she isn't the least bit interested in any of them. Her sole purpose is to make Vince Vaughn jealous. Make him want her or realize that he wants her.

Games. He was too stubborn to walk into the room that night and say I"m sorry. She was too stubborn to say I'm sorry. Both of them had too much pride to admit they were wrong. As I watched this movie I've seen so many times before, I realized how truly sad it is. How sad this couple allowed pride and stubbornness to prevent them from admitting an apology. That in the end they lost a love, possibly true love and for what?

So many times when you talk to people you hear them say I wish I had done this, or I wish I had said this and now it's too late. Well I for one hope and pray that I am not ever one of those people that says I wish I had..... I want the people I love to know I love them, I want everyday to count and if I haven't been successful at this to date, I vow to ensure everyday counts for me.

Change is good

2010-08-19T08:11:00.004-04:00

My family and I have made a lot of changes lately. Of course during the process since it was all happening at once it had it's moments. Moments where it seemed like I would burst from stress. Now that its all over change is good.

We moved into a new house. A house that we love and that feels like home.

I started a new job. I love it! I can work from home, I'm off every other Friday, I travel and finally I work in a place that doesn't micromanage. Holy crap it's so awesome to go to work and not feel like you're 2 years old.

I'm attempting again to quit smoking. It's been 4 days smoke free today and already I feel better. I would love it if Mr. Paul would also quit but he doesn't appear to be ready.

Overall, I do believe that the past 2 years have been more of a struggle than not, but like I remind Mr. Paul constantly if you choose to only see the negative, eventually that's all that will be there. We have many things to be thankful for we just have to remind each other when we see the other struggling.

This year I have concentrated on taking each day and making the most of it. I have made sure I put my needs and my families needs first regardless of what others would say. If I didn't want to do something then I didn't. I know these things sound simple but when you are a pleaser like I am you do things you don't want to because you don't want to disappoint others and then you complain about it later. Well for the first time in my life I took care of me first and it felt good.

The changes in my families lives and in my own this year have made me truly happy. I can honestly say there is nothing hidden behind my smile.

Finally some fun!!!!

2010-07-23T21:40:00.005-04:00

We finally got moved, Trae's graduation and his party are over, and I started my new job. Things are beginning to simmer down and I am excited about actually having some fun. I've done some things lately I haven't done in so long.....I've been having fun. So my friend Michelle invited me to Tye dye some shirts. I thought you know what??? What the heck, so I loaded up in the car and off I went to see what kind of damage I could do. I was surprised at how simple and quick it was to do. The boys love them and hey I'm a great mom today for doing it. Those are always great days. My hands are blue but hey it's the price you pay to be mom of the year. Pick up a kit at the local AC Moore or Micheal's for about 23.00 with a coupon about 11.00 and make yourself a 70's child.

Fathers Day - Henry Lee Roy Birch

2010-06-20T12:36:00.003-04:00

I could talk for days about my father. I could tell you everything about him, how he dressed, how he smiled, how he felt, how he loved me and the best thing how he smelt. My father worked in a mill and he always smelled of trees, like a wood type smell that is indescribable. It was amazing. I have so many millions of memories of him and although he has been gone for so many years, I have never stopped thinking or loving him. I had the best father ever and I wouldn't change anything about him. I love and miss you ~ RIP: Henry Lee Roy Birch

Graduation

2010-06-04T12:51:00.011-04:00

Last week Trae and I were sitting outside discussing how time fly's. I told him I remembered everything. I remember how he would lay on my chest as a baby for hours and the second I ever so carefully went to lay him down alone he would wake up wide eyed and smile. Or how he would watch "Beauty and the Beast" over and over everyday until bedtime. I remember him having the chicken pox at 6 months old and how pitiful he looked but so darn cute. Or the day I was getting ready in the bathroom and he stood on the toilet watching me with his big brown eyes. The phone rang so I left to get it and when I came back he had flushed 4 rings of mine down the toilet to be forever gone. One of which was my wedding set.

Now although those days were so very many years ago, I remember them like they were yesterday. Now it's June 7, 2010, my baby boy is 18 and it's his big day. It was the day of his first of many accomplishments. High school graduation, the day a child longs for everyday for 12 years and the day the will never forget.

It didn't hit me he was actually graduating until about 10 minutes into the ceremony. 489 kids in cap and gowns smiling from ear to ear. I found myself drifting back 20+ years to my own graduation. I did it, was the first thought as I awoke that day. Family and friends visiting to witness this miraculous (for me it was) day with me. My parents how pleased they had to have been knowing I was the last of 8 kids in which they would have to raise. I bet their first thought that morning when they awoke was also "I did it", 8 kids and I'm finally done. I remembered 3 hours after graduation my dad was taking me back to the school to get on the bus with my fellow graduates to head to Disneyland for our Senior trip. (There was a whopping 36 kids in my class). As he backed up he ran into my best friends husbands truck that had literally only been out of the body shop for a few hours.

As I sat there reminiscing about my special day, I found that I began to cry. Wondering what my beloved Trae would do next. College, marriage, military, what? What event would I be witnessing next? What would he do with his life?

Trae as I have said is a man of few words but this night he didn't have to speak. You could read the expression on his face. The night was perfect, and now the rest of his life is ahead of him, and I can't wait to see what he does with it.

Paul and I couldn't be prouder parents of this baby who has grown up to be quiet the man!
Rob and Chris Willis

Trae and Tim

The Proud Family!

The Grad and the Proud Parents

The Proudest mom ever with her Grad!

I think Paul is very PROUD, he's cheesen!

Erin Pronobis and my men

Brothers!

The class (at least the ones I could get in the picture)

Trae after receiving his diploma

Coming down at the beginning

Battle of the Legends

2010-05-18T18:15:00.004-04:00

Trae and Coty went to the Battle of the Legends at the DC Armory with their friend Mason and his Dad, Ken. They met UFC fighter Kenny Florian.

They had a great time and I guess so what kids don't love getting home at 3:00 a.m.????

(Pictured: Mason, Coty, Kenny Florian and Trae. (May15, 2010)

Dover International Speedway

2010-05-17T19:39:00.006-04:00

Ron's Truck after the race getting ready to be put in the hauler

Mr. Paul and Ron after the race.

Me and Ron after the race

Mr. Paul and I went to the Dover International Speedway (Home of the Monster Mile) for the Craftsman Truck Series NASCAR race, May 14, 2010. It was a total blast. As with any trip we got a late start but didn't realize Dover was so close, less than 2 hours. We arrived about 10:00 am and got our Pit passes for the race that Ron Hornaday made arrangements for us to pick up.

My brother Johnny is good friends with Ron and he said any race we wanted to attend just to let him know in advance and he would ensure we had tickets in the pits. Being in the pits is super cool not only do you get to see Ron prior and after the race but you can walk through all the drivers hauler areas and see them, get autographs, look at their vehicles, and walk along the pits before the race and see the practices and qualifying of not only the truck race but the Nationwide and Cup series cars and drivers.

During the race you are within 10 feet of the pit and can watch the pit crew go to work. The racetrack is so close that you feel like your ears might possibly explode. It's so loud and so intense, really the greatest fun ever. My goal was to meet Jimmy Johnson and get a picture of him signing my mini #48 car and of course one with me too. Mr. Paul wanted to meet Ricky Carmichael, driver of the #4 Monster sponsored truck. Mr. Paul got his wish. We walked right up to him at his hauler and got an autograph and our photo with him. I did not. I saw Jimmy Johnson while he was being surrounded on pit road by the media. Walking to his car for qualifying. I got some decent photos of him but it's not the same as actually meeting him. I am hoping this weekend at Charlotte Motor Speedway in NC. Once again Ron got us tickets so I will have yet another blog entry for that.

There he is my man Jimmy Johnson by his car and crew. (Drooling)

Me, Ricky Carmichael and Mr. Paul prior to the race

It was a great day, just Mr. Paul and I. No kids, no drama, no problems, no work, nothing, just Mr. Paul and I relaxing watching the race enjoying each other's company. It was a perfect day.

Jimmy driving by after qualifying--you didn't think I'd miss it did you????

Mr. Paul and I in front of the giant Monster Mile Monument

Oh and for Mr. Paul, the day wouldn't have been complete without his photo with Ms. Sprint Cup. Oh brother.........LOL

Prom 2010

2010-05-08T20:55:00.005-04:00

Trae and his girlfriend, Brook decided at the last moment to go to the Prom. I found out when Brook came in from a day of shopping to show me her prom dress. I am really glad they decided to go since Trae has never been and usually doesn't attend things of this nature. It was much easier for me to have Trae ready than it was for Kim, Brook's mom. Girls have a lot more to do to prepare for such a night. They both looked great and so the next time I see Trae in a tux will probably be his wedding day.

Turning the page

2010-04-28T12:29:00.006-04:00

It's been a couple of busy days. Yesterday about 2:00 pm I'm at work and the school nurse calls me to tell me that Coty fell playing basketball and she couldn't rule out if his arm might be broken. Paul picked him up while I left work and drove to the hospital where I met them. After waiting as usual it was determined that he has a hairline fracture. They put his arm in a sling and sent us on our way.

We left there only to be home about 30 minutes and run right back out the door for his final "drug class" which was a mandatory ruling on his unofficial probation. 9 weeks of mandatory drug class, for having a joint at the homecoming dance last fall. Coty has completed all the necessary rulings put forth to him by his intake officer he can finish out the current school year where he is and then return to the correct school in the fall with no criminal record.

Today me, Mr. Paul, Trae, Brook (his girlfriend), Eddie (another witness friend of Trae's), and Kim, Brook's mom had to arrive to court for Trae's 2nd degree assault charges filed against him last October. Initially everyone we know, sheriffs, security involved, Judge friends, everyone said Trae would be fine. Never been in trouble before, no record, good kid, basically model citizen, he would be fine so we opted to just use the Public Defender instead of hiring a Lawyer. With Mr. Paul not working it would have put a huge financial strain on our family.

When we arrived to court we sat near the front where Brook and her mom had already sat. There was a line of folks standing in the middle that had to check in. I had never seen Michael the bully before but I happened to look up and this 30 year old guy is standing in line looking right at me with this huge smirk on his face. I turned to Trae and asked if that was him, and he said yes. I looked again at Michael who stood in the line literally 3 feet away from us and he still was staring at me smiling. I swear I wanted to gouge out his eyes.

The first guy called was 22 years old, also clean record. He had apparently had spray painted a couple of buildings in the local community with some type of symbol or whatever. He had lost a great job because of it. He was a high school drop out who quit school his senior year. His lawyer was trying to say that without an education or degree he was lucky to have landed such a job. Then he got another somewhat decent job in which he was laid off recently from. When the Judge was done talking the officer in court walked up the guy and handcuffed him right then and there and off he was going to serve his jail time. At this point I began to freak. I started crying and found myself angry with Mr. Paul for not hiring an attorney like I had requested. My heart was racing, my hands shaking and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

Then I hear them call Trae's name. OMG he's going to jail, I just knew it. I began to panic. Trae stood in the front on the left of the courtroom next to his public defender. The State's attorney began reading the charge and statement provided by Michael. Then she turned and asked Michael who was sitting in the last row of the courtroom (where bully's always sit) if he wished to address the court. Of course he said yes, and walked to the front. He spoke how he politely asked Trae to pull his pants up and Trae was rude, disrespectful and spoke vulgarities to him for no reason. He said that he was having to get surgery on his jaw. That's when I about exploded. WHAT? How stupid do you really think this court is??

Then Trae's attorney began to say what really happened. The Judge asked Trae if he wanted to talk. I had already informed Trae he was to address the court regardless of whether he wanted too or not. He better say something. So he did, then they called up Mr. Paul. Mr. Paul talked about Trae, his involvement in baseball, his attitude and how this was out of the box for Trae. Mr. Paul really spoke highly of Trae as anyone would their child but he also mentioned that he could really call anyone that knew Trae and they would tell the court the same thing. Trae has always been for the most part a model kid.

I sat in anticipation, scared to death. My son was facing a Judge who had made it perfectly clear he was not playing around. He gave Trae a PBJ (Probation before Judgement) for 2 years. Meaning that if he doesn't have any further issues with the law in 2 years he can have this expunged from his record, a fine totalling 160.00 due today, and either 40 hours of community service (which costs 150.00) or 2 days in jail. I watched as Trae and his attorney whispered wondering what he would decide. She speaks up he will take 2 days in jail but requested it be during the weekend due to him being in school. OMG my son is going to jail????????

Then the Judge says Trae you will serve the weekend of May 8th in the Charles County Detention Services. I panicked OMG prom. Since we were in the front row, I began whispering Trae's name, he finally turned around and I mouthed the word "Prom". He whispered to his attorney and she asked the judge to do this coming weekend since that particular weekend was the prom. I thought no worries here. Then the Judge says, this isn't a hotel Trae, you socked a guy in the jaw. Oh great just the attention Michael was seeking. However the Judge did agree to this coming weekend. Friday I get to drop my son off in jail and pick him up on Sunday.

The bottom line to my last two days is that two very stressful issues that have been hovering over my family's heads since fall of 2009 are finally over. We can now turn the page to these disasters that have held my family captive for over 6 months now.

Facebook reunites

2010-04-26T17:55:00.003-04:00

I have become quite the junkie on facebook. I have reunited with friends from my old stomping grounds, my nephews, nieces, brothers and sisters, and people I see everyday. It's funny how fun it can be to see how all your old high school friends are doing, where their lives have taken them and where they are.

I have to admit that I have had to pull out my yearbooks and look to see who some of them are. I find that not everyone looks exactly as I remember. I don't know why either it's only been 20+ years. LOL Some of them amazingly enough haven't changed a bit. Some I don't remember at all, but find that their friendship to me now is very important. Their daily posts, their inspirational words to mine, I can't stop.

I have always been one of those people that looking at me describes my mood without me even saying a word. One guy at my job says he can tell my mood based on the way I have applied my makeup that day. I always used to post exactly the way I felt that day as my daily post. Then I was at a friends house one day and another friend came over and made a comment that her husband avoids me because my life carries too much drama. Although it was a very innocent comment, I found I was very offended by it.

I can't help it if my teens give me a dose of reality everyday. I can't help it that I lead a very busy and hectic life. I have always felt that one of the best qualities I hold is the fact that I am always honest about my feelings and although I will avoid conflict at all costs, I refuse to lie. I always thought that when someone asks me what's up that they really wanted to know. I had never thought that it was just a comment people make when they see someone. Now I find that because of that comment I never post anything on my facebook that is negative or "drama". For that matter I haven't even done blogs lately because I have been feeling like I need to be careful of what I write so as not to offend anyone.

Well the other day I was talking with one of my old buddies and they confided some personal things with me that are not so different than my own circumstances and I felt good they felt as if they could talk to me. They said how my facebook posts inspire them and allow them to know who I really am. Now of course this got me to thinking. Who is this person I have become on facebook and blogs that I have allowed myself to be?

This blog for instance is my online diary. I started it as my therapeutic way of saying what's on my mind and how I feel, and yet I have stopped writing it because I worry I might offend. Well no more, this is my site, these are my feelings, and reading it is completely optional. If you don't agree with me there is no problem with that, but I still have the right to say how I feel on my own site.

So from now on it is what it is, and if for whatever reason you have a problem with something I have written well you have several choices. You can not read it, you can leave a comment, you can delete me or you can do whatever you like but I am going to be true to me and say how I feel and what is on my mind.

After reading facebook, I have noticed one thing, regardless of who you are or where you live, the issues, drama, problems I have are really not that different than anyone I know. Some people hide behind the computer screen and pretend their lives are a fairy tale but in reality we all know better.

Easter 2010

2010-04-05T14:22:00.003-04:00

Today we spent the day as a family. Which for those of you that have 15+ year old kids, you know that is something that is few and far between. The two oldest are becoming more independent and have many other things that occupy their time. When I awoke Sunday morning I made biscuits and gravy for breakfast for everyone. Then I came up with several ideas of things we could do for the day as a family. I didn't ask them if they had plans, I just assumed that when I used the phrase family day they understood it.

Everyone agreed to the Washington DC Zoo which was amazing. No complaints, no can this person or that person go too, nothing. Everyone got ready and off we went. I would like to say when we made these plans we forgot about the DC Cherry blossom festival. Now that was an issue. There were thousands of tourist everywhere and of course as you can imagine, traffic was not moving as planned. In addition there really isn't anything that annoys Mr. Paul worse than wall to wall traffic so that was a problem.

But we eventually made it to the zoo and we saw many animals. I asked a couple strangers to take a photo of us, which my kids just thought was the end of the world, but they too eventually got over it.

It was a perfect day - weather was nice but not scorching hot. We topped off the day by having dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen in Alexandria, VA.

The innocence of a child

2010-03-26T22:50:00.004-04:00

Apparently Logan needed to trim his toenails. YUM~

When I think about how easy life really is for kids, I wonder why all I ever wanted was to grow up . Isn't it funny how they can still muster up some way to get into trouble??? My boys range in all aspects of the age spectrum but for each of them there are ways for them to get into trouble. They are all so different and yet so similar.

Logan has always been a little different. He is OCD like Paul and loves to run the vacuum, empty the dishwasher, whatever just because he wants too. He doesn't ask, he doesn't wait for us to ask he just does it.

In our house Logan has many nicknames, Skeletor, Wind chime, boo boo, boob, Loggie, but after I was fortunate enough to snap these photos of him with my phone I think a more appropriate name might be pretzel?

A whole new perspective

2010-03-06T11:09:00.002-05:00

Last night Father White blessed Mr. Paul and I by meeting us at Carrabba's for dinner. We call the stuff you dip the bread in "dirt" so we invited him for a little dirt and conversation. Of course since I do all the chatting he really doesn't get a word in edge wise but it's all good.

In previous blog entries where I have discussed how I feel about Father White, I again find myself stumped by his amazing presence. At first sight I always feel like this overwhelming feeling of joy. It's like a kid seeing the gifts on Christmas day morning, or that feeling on a first date. My heart starts racing, I can't help but smile and my mind races at all the stories and questions I want to be sure to talk about.

He has this way of sucking me right in and at the time I am with him I become this chatty Kathy doll that someone keeps pulling that string and I never shut up. I always thought that I would never feel 100% comfortable or be able to be myself around a priest, but the most amazing thing is I can be all Trish (which is a lot for anyone to take) and believe it or not he doesn't mind. I might even stretch to say I think that's why he likes me. I don't try to say the right thing, I don't try to be someone I am not, I am Trish all the way and he still likes me. He always says the perfect thing, he always looks at you with total honesty and understanding. No judgement, no harsh words, and regardless of the subject and how hard it is to talk about you leave the meeting with a sense of peace and utter happiness.

How does someone do that? How is one man so perfect in every way? The thing is I tell him I think he is amazing and he is so humble and always responds with "God is Good". One man's way has changed the entire way I look at life, how is that possible? Combined with the fact he asks nothing in return. Who do you know that does that? Gives you everything and wants absolutely nothing in return.

Father White has this most hysterical laugh. When I get him going and I most often do, he has this great laugh. Last night at dinner he was laughing so hard he put his head on the table several times. It felt so good because it was obvious he was with us for dinner not as an obligation or a part of his duty as a priest but just friends meeting up for dinner to talk about what is going on in each other's lives and enjoy the company of a true friend.

If he was the only friend I had, I truly believe I would be the luckiest person alive. Thank you Father White for just being you. God is good!!!!!!!!!

13 year anniversary

2010-02-27T17:40:00.005-05:00

Paul and I got married February 28, 1997 at the Justice of the Peace in Washington DC. Two days later I left to go to Saudi Arabia for 90 days. Somewhat a little different experience for most newlyweds but it worked for us.

Like any marriage we have definitely had our share of ups and downs. Initially it was just the distance and the fact we only knew each other 6 months when we got married. Then it was kids and finances, and all the normal things, but through it all we loved each other and knew we had something special.

October 2007 we renewed our vows and although it was thrown together in a small amount of time and it was very small it was perfect. My best friend Julie sent me a box with something new, something old, something blue and something borrowed. She gave her girl the hook up and I couldn't have asked for such a great bunch of gifts. It was our special day and it was right.

My kids are getting older and one day they will be grown and have their own lives and that day it will be just be Paul and I and I couldn't be happier with my choice of a life partner.

Moving.......

2010-02-20T19:27:00.003-05:00

For the past month off and on I have been packing all my household items. With my back I do not load or unload so I do almost all the packing. With that said, I began this process early considering we are moving effective 1 July 2010.

However the last weekend in May we are getting a Uhaul and moving everything but mattresses and TVs to the new house basement. Then June 7th Trae graduates, we will clean the old house, then the last week of June I am supposed to go to Orlando Florida for a week for work. When we come back from Orlando we will go straight to the new house.

I spend a lot of time writing blogs about issues with my kids but let me tell you one good thing about having older kids. Seems when it comes time to move all OUR friends are busy but my kids friends line the doors to help. Thank God for that. Buy a crap load of Chinese food and soft drinks and bam the house if full of strapping teenage boys willing to move without complaint.

and more snow

2010-02-10T22:20:00.005-05:00

According to the news we have had more snow than ever in the DC metropolitan area. All I can say is since I left Alaska in 1997 I have never seen so much snow. I have forgotten how it is to wake up and shovel, slide and fall in this not so soft white stuff. The Federal Government has been closed all week and although it's strictly for safety reasons, I can say I am loving life. Staying up till 4 am watching movies with my family, packing, cleaning, cooking, laundry. I love it, I can't remember the last time I actually took an entire week off work. The kids can't go anywhere so they are actually with us spending time with us and watching movies.

We spent hours going to every store in town looking for snow pants for Logan. Other than the $80.00 Columbia ones at a ski shop there was nothing. We were told by one retailer that we wouldn't find them within a 200 mile radius of our town. Not a mistake I will ever make again. Luckily a good friend knew someone that had some her son had outgrown so Logan has been in complete hog heaven.

For the first time in a long time I am totally enjoying the term "Snow day!"

Snow, Snow and More snow

2010-02-05T19:35:00.006-05:00

The weather man has projected we are going to get anywhere from 2 to 3 feet of snow. It began about 10:00 a.m. today and it's been snowing since. I wonder now when I awake in the morning what will the ground look like? Will I see nothing but white? Piles or even mounds on top of every car in sight. Neighbors shoveling their driveways, brushing off their cars, kids throwing snowballs, slipping and sliding and sometimes falling.

Could life be any better? All three of my kids are home, the fire place is on, I'm on the couch with a warm blanket, watching a movie. We have plenty of food, and drinks and there is nothing I could think of that I need that I don't have right now.

Dinner but no movie

2010-02-03T07:42:00.005-05:00

Last night me, Mr. Paul, Trae and his girlfriend Brook all met at Boston's for dinner. Brook hasn't spent any time with us and she felt as though we hated her. The only time she heard from us before would be when I emailed her mom about this or that and her mom would confront her so you can see where the disconnect might be.

Anyway I think initially we were all a little skeptical about meeting up but with four of us there the ice could be broken by any of us and the environment was good. I feel that we have done the best we could to raise Trae and his choice in a girl is his choice. It makes things much easier when you get along and that is what I intend on doing. If Trae is happy - I am happy.

It's not that I didn't like Brook in the past, I had some reservations for some reasons in which I am over now. Trae spends every possible moment at her house so we don't really know her. We don't know her personality, her likes and dislikes. Although I can say now she hates mayonnaise.

Also in my defense Trae has had two serious girlfriends prior to Brook and both of them I got close too and then when they broke up I felt bad too. One friend told me that the girlfriends come and go so not to get attached to them because it sucks letting go when the boy does. Well she was right so I think some of my reservations were simply not letting my guard down based on the past two girls.

Anyway, I have to say dinner was good, Brook ate her food actually which was a plus and the conversation flowed flawlessly.

Groundhog Day

2010-02-02T09:22:00.003-05:00

What is groundhog Day? For most of us it's a joke we use to say "same old same old". I got up, went to work, went home, ate dinner, played with the kids, took a shower and went to bed so I could wake up tomorrow and do the same old thing all over again.

It's easy for us all to get in the groove of things but the reality of life is that one day we won't have it or won't be able to move about so easily so why not force ourselves to change things up a bit. Or let me ask if having groundhog day's is so bad after all?

Today I woke up for work another exhausting morning where I stayed up so totally too late, turned on my phone and while it booted up I began to brush my teeth. I scrolled down the randomness of my entries and saw a text from my son. Sent at 11:51 am it said "I love you so much mom. Goodnight". I stared at that text knowing my son thought of it, he took the time to write it all because?

Did I do anything in particular yesterday or last night to be rewarded but such a message? I don't believe so but what I had done was Groundhog Day. I had began my day as usual, and come home as normal, but also as normal I talked with my kids and listened as he discussed whatever with me. I was doing the things I have always done but my son decided that my groundhog day meant a lot to him and he decided to tell me what a difference I make in his life. I wonder if he had any idea how much such a simple message would mean to me?

You know maybe groundhog day isn't so bad for any of us, as long as in our days of nothingness we go to the trouble to make sure the ones we love know how much they mean to us. I have definitely made my share of mistakes but if there is one thing I do ensure I do is make sure my husband and kids know everyday how much they mean to me and how very much I love them.

Sure life has drama and I yell and I get pissed but ultimately I have lived my life for them. Everything I do is for them. As any parent I often wonder if I've been successful. My son's simple one lined text tells me I have. Groundhog day to me means a life full of love and I do make a difference.

Is there loss without Gain?

2010-01-21T22:19:00.003-05:00

One year ago today my mother died, and my father died in 1995. Its not something we can grasp until it happens. It's not something we can plan for and its certainly not something we want. We all live and we all experience death at some point in our lives. Whether we are kids, young adults, or even older, ultimately someone we love dies. Its part of life, unfortunately that's the ugly truth.

When it happens people say how sorry they are for your loss. I wonder why the word loss is used. Is it because the words dead, death, died, killed or even passed are so hard to hear? Regardless of the word used it's still a loss but what is the loss?

I believe regardless of the loss, we all grieve. Of course differently than others but grief is grief no matter how you slice it. For me the loss of my parents is unfathomable. It means I can't talk to them, I can't see them, I can't hug them or tell them how much I love them.

But I also believe that I did not lose. Loss is interpreted as you lost something but what about what I gained? I had the best parents a kid could want. When I spoke to someone about being in Oregon with my family when my mother was dying here is what I said.

I am usually the loud one, the joker, the center of attention. While in Oregon I remember sitting in my parents rocker and watching my family. My siblings, my Uncles and Aunts, my friends, my many nieces and nephews and their spouses and their children, and I remember feeling so lucky.

When I was young I never allowed anyone to come to my house. I was ashamed. I felt like people would judge me based on our being poor. I had a low self esteem about my school clothes, my not so stylish hair, you name it I was ashamed. I thought no one would like me if they knew I was poor because I had nothing to offer them.

As I sat in that rocker feeling lucky, I realized for the first time in my life, that my parents gave me more than any parents could have hoped for. They gave me such a huge family and believe it or not we almost always get along. Although the house was filled with grief for our upcoming loss there was an overwhelming amount of love.

Now with both my parents in another place, and people say I'm sorry for your loss, I have to smile and think quietly how there is no loss in my life, no regret, and surely no shame. For what is life really without loss for all the things you gain?

2010 full of possibilities

2010-01-13T09:12:00.003-05:00

I have survived through 2009 and now that its over I have buried it and hope I never have another 2009. 2010 is full of possibilities.

To begin it couldn't possibly be worse and when I focus on the positive we have some positives to review.

Paul and I will celebrate our 13 year wedding anniversary (February 28).

I really look forward to Trae playing High School baseball. He is a great pitcher with a gift that for the past few years he has done nothing with. Not that he will now (again not assuming anything) but I hope he does.

I would like to think that the worst is over in dealing with Coty. He has been through a lot this past year as well and has made some really poor decisions, but I hope we have crossed that bridge not to ever have to return. My mother-in-law, Patty says some kids grow up easy, some hard, and some never grow up. I would like to think that Coty has just decided to grow up hard but will grow up. I think Coty will play Little League so I am excited about watching him play as well.

Trae "should" graduate. I say should because I wouldn't want to assume anything. I have learned that anytime I assume anything with any of my kids I am shamefully mistaken so I will just assume that he will graduate.

We plan to move in July which is both dreadful and exciting at the same time. The house is bigger and a lot more open (windows) and that should be cheerful.

I don't know what else the year will bring for us but I hope and pray that it will be a good year.

Trae and his new car

2009-12-23T08:15:00.000-05:00

tough guy Coty the day Trae got his new car
God forbid he shows any emotion
I think he is smiling, amazing!
At the dealership right before they cleaned it.

I have been slacking on keeping up with blogs. Recently Trae started having a lot of car trouble so we had no choice but to buy him a new car. Well I shouldn't say buy him, since he is paying for it. We took him, helped him find a good car and the payment is right for him.

Although he has never had a bill before so he is really stressing about this payment. It's not even due until the middle of January and he has more than enough already for the first payment but he is really stressing.

Once he graduates he will have to pay the insurance too and that is going to be an issue for him. Oh well all I know is this is one thing I can cross off my list of things to worry about.

Did you say "Suicide"?

2009-12-22T21:06:00.008-05:00

For the past 6 months I have sat back and watched my sons grieve the death of their good friend, Stephen A. Pronobis. I thought with time it would pass or they would find a way to work through it. I was wrong. Since Stephen's death, Coty has been arrested, expelled from his high school, and progressively sinking farther and farther down. He is angry, he is hurting and although I have him in counseling and I have tried to do whatever I can to help its just doesnt seem to be enough.

I decided I needed to do more, so I found an angel. Dennis Liegghio agreed to come to one of the local high schools and speak about suicide. He brought Jean Larch a fellow founder of noresolve.org to discuss the warning signs, her experiences and her book. Her book is entitled Dying to be free.

Dennis' father committed suicide when he was 14. His last words to his father were all but great, and yet all he remembered. He spent the next 10 years of his life grief stricken, filled with regret and drugs. About the age of 24 he decided to give back, to take his loss and try to give others hope and understanding about that secret word that is only ever really whispered at best.

Dennis coming here was never about me, but I have to say as they spoke and I looked around the room and felt so proud. How could I not? Seriously this duo came to speak to my friends and community about suicide for no other reason than to help us cope. They are a non profit organization that gave so much more than money ever could. They have buttons, CD's, books and shirts with their logo on it all of which are donations only. They did leave some for me because I thought I could sell them for them, as a small way to try to give even more.

What does the logo mean? We have all heard that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but that's just not the way life usually works. We are faced with obstacles and challenges throughout lives and we are forced to take a detour to overcome those obstacles. The logo symbolizes those detours and contains the infinity symbol to represent our journey through life.

When it came to taking Dennis and Jean back to the airport I found my heart aching. I felt sad, like I was saying goodbye to my family. How can it be possible to feel so close to people you only just met? Someone who takes the most tragic and personal situation to happen to his life and share it with perfect strangers to try to help them. How much strength and admiration I feel for this person. I found myself crying (Shocker) while I hugged them goodbye. Then the coolest thing happened. When I gave Jean a hug she told me she would miss me and I could hear the tears in her struggled voice. I had made two more life long friends.

We've all heard the saying "Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take but about the moments that take our breath away". Well for me this was one of those moments.

What is normal?

2009-12-03T20:39:00.003-05:00

Sometimes when I reflect on my day or my life thus far I wonder if I am normal? Is it normal to have a good day, a bad day, good, bad, etc? Is it normal to be so emotional? Am I the only one in the world who literally feels dizzy from the roller coaster in which I seem to be unable to get off of? Am I the only one on the roller coaster? Is it normal to watch a Hallmark commercial and be brought to tears? but the next moment be twirling around blowing bubbles for no known reason (sounds just like me huh?).

I've talked many times on here about all the changes in which I have made within myself. How I am more forgiving than I ever was before. How I am less vocal (really I am) than I used to be. How one day I feel as if the changes in me have made me a better person but really in all honesty I have always been the same person. I simply have grown up, matured and have learned a better delivery of the things I say - learned to pick my battles but many people, family to boot have mistaken this change for thinking that I am not longer Trish.

Then I wonder what is wrong with Trish? Family well they have to love you but they don't have to like you, text you, call you, email you, and friends, well friends choose you. Ultimately all the people in my life have made a choice to be there so I have to believe that Trish is a good, decent and fun person. LOL Why else would I feel my cup runneth over with all the family and friends who support me and who are in my life.

What is normal? Normal is nonexistent. It is not defined. Normal is whatever we experience. Normal is life changes, people change but hopefully you my friend reading this, hopefully you don't change and you always remain in my life because life with you in it is so much more gratifying then life without you.

Sick of it

2009-12-02T17:29:00.004-05:00

I try to be a reasonable person but although I know why Mr. Paul and I argue it's really on my last nerve. I guess since this is my blog I have to be as honest with myself as possible. I try to remember that with Mr. Paul being the "man of the house" and being unemployed for a year next month has taken a toll on him. I know people get in a rut and it's hard to get out of it, but how come I feel like everyone in the house is punished for Mr. Paul's unemployment???

He stays up most the night, I am well on my way to never never land by the time he enters the bed. I get up before the rosters crow and he is sleeping and when I get home like all of us I'm tired. I get here and the house may or may not be clean, there may or may not be dinner, Mr. Paul may or may not be in a good mood. Quite honestly he is always mad, he is always irritated and I am honestly sick of walking into a bomb shell every day.

I can't change that he doesn't work, I can't change the way he feels. I honestly find there are times I do resent him. I hate when I have to get up at 5:00 am and he is snoozing, I hate that I have to commute and he doesn't and I hate that I come home starving and there's nothing ready for me to eat. (I'm being honest).

For example, today he was mad because the dishwasher was clean and yet the boys would open it to get a fork but not unload the entire thing. When I asked if anyone was going to do the dishes Mr. Paul said neither he or I would be doing it but yet he hadn't asked either of them to do it. Trae hasn't been home all day and Coty is not feeling well. Not to mention he didn't ask either of them to do it. He says he shouldn't have too, I say they aren't going to do it if you don't ask. So Mr. Paul and I end up in this fight because ultimately the kitchen needs to be done and isn't.

It just seems like our marriage has become two against each other instead of a team. Yesterday when we were going to the dealership for Trae he made a comment like this. "I don't know why I am going, it's not like I can do anything". While at the dealership he says "its your jeep". It makes me want to scream. I would never have bought the jeep for me, I don't even like driving it, and yet he throws it in my face everyday that "it's my jeep" because my name is on the title and his isn't.

I am not innocent and although I know it definitely doesn't help to even bring it up but I am human and it does. Even the kids who normally are tight with Mr. Paul they don't even want to ask him anything because he is ALWAYS in a bad mood. For example: Mr. Paul is on his way to blockbuster and Coty just asked me if Trae could take him to blockbuster to rent a game. I told him to call Mr. Paul since he was already on his way there and he said naw he's already in a bad mood so I would rather Trae just took him.

Ultimately I guess what we are experiencing is not that unique to a family with our situation in today's economy but it is so frustrating and I wonder if we will ever have what we used to or if it's too late.

What am I thankful for???

2009-11-26T14:10:00.008-05:00

When I awoke this morning I thought about the dreaded cooking, all the awful football games, the mess, the dishes and how my stomach was definitely going to burst after all the food I knew I would eat.

I got up and texted everyone in my cell phone address book, I signed on to Facebook and said my usual funny antidote about the day and read everything all my friends and family had to say about this day of thanks. Pretty much the usual stuff you would expect to read on Thanksgiving. Of course I am so thankful for all the same things my friends, my family, my husband, my life, my health, my kids, all those things go without saying.

Then as I stood in the kitchen in my apron on (pink of course) and my IPOD cranking a little of this and a little of that I thought about all the things I was really most thankful for......

I thought about the most wonderful 28 years I had with my dad. With his hair almost always sticking up somewhere for lack of combing it, his missing teeth and the ones he did have were probably rotten, his muscle shirt that most definitely had something ridiculous written on it, standing there with that most perfect smile. How he loved me in yellow, how he bought me a yellow dress from the Salvation Army when I was in first grade and how I wore it everyday until my mother threw it away. He was the most the most important man I would ever know and love.

I thought about my mother. The 39 cherished years I was blessed to be her daughter. How as a child I hated her, and one lucky day I realized she was my most bestest friend. The one person in this world who knew every detail of my everyday life. The person I couldn't wait to tell everything too. The woman who in her last moments was so worried something would happen to the things I asked for that she boxed up my dishes and wrote my name on the box and she safety pinned the ring I had given her years before to her bedroom curtain for me. The woman that changed my life and gave me everything I could ever hope to give my own kids.

I thought about my most thoughtful sister, Janna (banana)who I never really knew until last year. Her surprise visit for my birthday. She is beautiful, funny as crap and so giving. She has the most frigging awesome husband, Troy. He looks at me sometimes and I wonder what he is thinking. What lie had Banana told him?? He wears these huge belt buckles they make me smile - frigging hill billy. He always listens to me over facebook or on the phone when I am venting or sad, or crying. When someone in the family hurts me, I call him. He always says the perfect thing. They have truly been a gift.

I thought about my cherished sister, Sue (SuzyQ) who brought banana here to give us a chance to see the wonder in each other. The gift Sue gave me of a sister I never knew is inconceivable. She is so funny and beautiful (they say I look just like her) and my God the memories of her I have. That damn blind ass shetland pony named Suzy (SHOCKER) she always made me ride. She broke the first NEW toy I ever had. A big wheel she got on it and busted that thing immediately. Although at the time I was of course pissed, today that story makes me laugh and smile and think so fondly of the sister who has always loved me for exactly who I am.

My sister Liz (Lizzard)who has always visited me where ever I might live. She and I email each other everyday all day long while at work. We know everything about each other and everything that is going on daily. If she is off or I am the other is pissed. How in the world will we make it through the work day without chatting over email? She has made a new tradition and the coolest part is it includes me. Every year she fly's to my house for my birthday and we get our hair done with my hairdresser Fadi. No matter how broke she is, how little time she has off, or the fact she comes and leaves her husband home she comes to be with me.

My brother Gary for his insane humor. The texts and emails he sends that although usually are disgusting make me laugh. For the hundreds of voice mails he leaves me where he sings, tells me jokes, or rambles about absolutely nothing at all but does it to let me know he is thinking of me.

My brother Johnnie who gave me away when my father had died and couldn't. He stood by me on my most important day and made me feel like I was an angel. He comes every year for my birthday and although I won't admit I know he comes to see his twin sister too, would literally take his heart out of his body to save me.

I thought about my nephews and nieces that text me and tell me how much they love me for no reason at all. It's not my birthday, Christmas or any other special reason other than to them, I am special. Who can see a picture of one of my children and pick them out of a line up. For the fact that although the age and distance between us they never forget their Auntie.

My friend Kim who although the unimaginable thing that brought us together is anything but ideal, her friendship brightens my day. She is such a loving, kind, person and she truly brings a smile to my face every day. She makes me want to be a better person. No matter what, she is always happy (even if she's only pretending), and always trying to help others. She is an amazing person who I can only dream to be more like.

My high school friends who only really knew my past and the part of my future I write on facebook, but they read it, they look at my photos, they comment, they have opened their hearts up to me and found a place for me in their lives.

My Priest (my man in black), whom I know would be disappointed in my lack of attending Mass since the death of my mother, would not judge me, or make me feel like a lesser human, but would encourage me, tell me how forgiving God is. I never felt whole until I met and became to know Father White. I didn't know it was possible to actually become so attached to a Priest that Church never will be the same without him there.

And what about the things we complain about?? Are they not truly blessings but possibly in disguise? What would we be without them? Who would we be without them?

My ex - Andy. To him the man that literally can send me to the moon and back easier than anyone on the planet, to him I am thankful for the years of happiness we had together, and the two kids he gave me the pleasure to help raise. For making me feel special everyday when I was young and felt like I was the ugly duckling. For teaching me that I am a beautiful person and worthy of love.

Lets not forget his family. Larry, Patty and Becky who I love dearly. They opened their homes to me and gave me so many memories. Becky who was always like a little sister to me that I have to say makes better homemade bread then Wonder. Larry and Patty who I was more like another kid to pay for always included me in everything. I was never a burden to them, when things went south between Andy and I they were still good to me. Today they are my family and I theirs. I am truly thankful for that it's not often the case.

Thanksgiving is a day of reflection and thankfulness. What I realized today is there is so many more things to be thankful for than there are to not. My life although seemingly tiresome, black and almost always filled with drama, is actually full of love, laughter and life. Although there will be days of anger and depression I will try to spend even a minute everyday from here on out remembering these things.

Depression is tiring

2009-11-13T09:29:00.003-05:00

OMG all I want to do is sleep. I know this too shall pass as it often does. One day you feel as if the world is crumbling on your shoulders and the next day it seems like the sun has never shone brighter. Regardless we all have these days. Today is in the middle of those two analogies. Not as bad as yesterday but the sun isn't bright either. I think we all know these days, just kind of blah but not terrible but all you want to do is sleep.

I hear often I need to take time for myself. Do girl stuff (hard in a house full of boys) but things for me. I make excuses, no money, no time, blah blah. Well this weekend, I hope to scrap book with Kim and just sit and laugh and drink coffee and relax.

I know this will be just what the doctor ordered. Even me the fixer of all others problems, needs to take time for just me.

Boo hoo to me......

2009-11-12T21:05:00.003-05:00

I feel sorry for myself and yeah well too bad. Everyone does at times and today is my day. I feel like everyone in the world has a better life than I do and a better spouse and better kids, and if that's how I feel well so be it, it must be right.

Throughout this blog I give advise, I talk about how I handled this and that, and how I am not going to let the woe's of life get to me and well today isn't one of those days. Today the world sucks and so does my life.

If you read my blog you already know that 2009 has literally been the worst year of my life. I have never had "good" luck but Jesus is my witness life has never been this complicated. Never literally one problem everyday sometimes even more. Literally no joke, not lying, nope every day Mr. Paul calls me and something has happened.

I'm telling the world and all who read this that I have had enough. I can't take it, I'm tired, stressed and seriously want more than anything to drive myself straight to the hospital and check myself in. The rubber room for a month yep that's what I need. No contact with anyone. No problems, no yelling, no kids, no Mr. Paul, no work, NO STRESS, just rest, quiet and did I mention NO Stress???

Is there an Island somewhere where woman go to distress? Is there such a place? Calgon? Get real no bath and stupid soap is going to work it's way through these bones, I need a real honest to Goodness stress relief. Where is that place?

I know I know boo hoo right? Well shit on you for even thinking it. I know most people think of me as a rock, the strong one, the one with advise, the caregiver, the one that fixes everything, but dang it I am so not. I am not, I am not, I am allowed a meltdown from time to time and well deal cause right now is my meltdown.

Okay I'm done. Am I over it? No definitely not, but my therapy, this blog, it gives me temporary relief, hence why I write it - Duh!

What happened to the days when....

2009-11-06T21:09:00.002-05:00

I remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground? The worst thing you could get from boys was cooties, mom was your hero and dad was the boy you were going to marry? Your worst enemies were your siblings, and race issues were who ran the fastest, and war was a card game? The only drug you knew of was cough medicine, and wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut? The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike, the only thing that hurt was skinned knees and the only thing that could get broken was your toys? Goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? Life was simple and care-free, but what I remember most was wanting to grow up.

2009

2009-11-03T21:00:00.004-05:00

2009 hasn't been the best year I've ever experienced to say the least. I had all these situations that could if I let them be a reason for me to lay around, eat everything in sight and feel miserable. Which I can say some days have gotten the best of me. It started with the death of my mother, Paul being laid off, Trae wrecked his car and Paul hit mine when backing out of the garage and that was just in January. Since then, Coty was expelled from school with two court dates upcoming, Trae has an upcoming court date, I was rear ended and lord knows what the next 2 months will bring.

This year I have not been to Mass but once I think. It started out I missed while in Oregon with my mother, and the more I missed the easier it became. I began to wallow in my own sorrows. Poor me, my life sucks, my kids are stressing me, my husband blah blah blah.

Well enough is enough I refuse to let my own life be shitty because things are not going as I think they should. I don't want my friends, family and not my kids to remember me when I am not here as always grumpy and mad.

2009? I met some great new friends who I talk to almost daily and I can't imagine my life without them. I have a great job. I am GOING to quit smoking. I am talking to a long lost BFF whom I have missed everyday for so many years. I have great kids that as all kids do they make bad decisions and they have me to count on when they do. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a Queen not to mention he's HOT! (Come on ladies you all know he is HOT)

I am responsible for myself and my own happiness and I am going to fight every day, every minute if that's what I have to do to remind myself that I can be happy if I set my mind to it. I know that God needs to be placed back in my life and needs to be #1. I know that I refuse to repay bad behavior, bad moods as a reaction for bad situations.

We drop a penny on the ground and just look at it as though it's so insignificant. We see one on the ground and don't pick it up. But if you look closely the key to life's success is written clearly right on top. Trust in God and all things are possible.

Final thought: I must remind myself of the quote I wrote after the death of my mother. "Life is not measured by the shell others see but by the shell we leave when the shell is gone". I must remember that and be happy everyday for the gift of that day.

I made it.......

2009-11-02T15:48:00.003-05:00

Well with the help of my family and friends my 40th birthday was a success. We had costumes, cake, gifts, snacks, beer, drinks, and many many laughs. I was a cave woman. I bought these 40 sunglasses and my good friend Kim and sister Liz bedazzled them. They don't match the costume but they are fun and I am loving them.

Thank you to all my friends and family for all your warm wishes. I couldn't make it without you.

Another birthday......

2009-10-21T16:53:00.004-04:00

Well Halloween is my 40th birthday. 40 years ago I blessed this world with my presence. It's hard to believe I am 40 where did the years go. I remember sitting in my parents vehicle at my grandma's house with my friend Julie talking about how wonderful things we were going to be when I turned 16 and got my licence. Then turning 21 while living in Alaska and pregnant with my son Trae.

When I reflect on all the things I have done in my life it seems like I have really lived, but I definitely have a lot more living to do. Now at my age I think the age I live for is just living. No number, no amount of years, just living. My life turned out according to my plan and I think that's all that matters.

I have done what I set out to do since the day in that driveway. I have married the man of my dreams and I have mothered three pretty perfect (as teens can be) boys. I guess the next stage will be grandma and I'm sure I prefer to wait a long time for that. (Please Lord give me the gift of years before you grant me this wish).

My life isn't perfect, not even remotely perfect but hopefully I have been successful. Hopefully my boys will all grow up to be productive citizens and marry and have kids of their own and when my day comes to pass, I will be happy.

"Life is not measured by your outer shell, but by the mold you leave when the shell is gone". ~ Trish Brechtel (I wrote this after the death of my mother)

You ever just want to bury your head in the sand?

2009-10-19T13:14:00.004-04:00

You know I remember talking to a friend late last year and her saying that 2009 was going to be my year. Lets take a quick reflection thus far. The year started out with Paul losing his job and my mother dying. After that, I've had to deal with 2 suicides, 2 attempts, 2 wrecks (neither mine), getting rear ended, one friend of my son's in rehab, one fight in the mall getting my son banned from there and of course my favorite, one of my son's losing my trust so bad I can't let him out of my sight for fear of what I get when he gets home, that is assuming he comes home.

Seems like every day as I am driving home I wonder to myself what is the night going to bring me? One of my son's favorite things to say to me is "mom just chill out". Man when he says that I want to come out of my skin. Doesn't he realize that a person can only take so much before one day they just explode? Why do kids think they are the only ones that have trouble or stress?

I try to be the best friend, wife, mother and employee I can be. I try to stay positive and have words of encouragement to anyone who may need it. I try to hide my unhappiness to everyone. I try to put everyone ahead of myself, and ultimately remember that although I fight depression every day and have my entire life, I don't want that to be what people remember about me. I don't want depression to define me. It's days like today that all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and give up.

I know this too shall pass but I often wonder what I have done wrong to deserve such a trying life. What I could do differently or what I can say to make my children's life's better. I know I have done my best but sometimes I think my best isn't good enough. I can fail at everything in life if that is what happens, but failing as a parent is something I could never forgive myself for.

My kids are what gets me up every day and yet sometimes I wonder why they think I don't care. Mostly I understand that kids just say that, but they really do know what a parent does for them and why, and that they don't think to say "thanks" for anything but that doesn't make it any easier on those days where a thank you is all you need. I would give my kids anything they want if I could all in return all I would want is for once any of them to walk up and give me a hug for no reason. Just because I am there mom and because they love me. Lets face it they're boys and teens to boot and that is just not going to happen.

My heart feels so heavy and mostly empty today but I guess like every person in the world, I have to believe that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe full of sunshine and maybe rain, but regardless I have to believe that my life really isn't much different then everyone else's.

The funny part is everyone always says you know God doesn't give you more than he knows you can handle. Well my question is this. Does God really think I am Mount Everest because good grief enough is enough.

Being a mother- Arg so exhausting

2009-10-14T13:49:00.004-04:00

Being a mother is the most trying, challenging, frustrating, rewarding, proud and hardest job I have ever had. I realize after many blogs that I have done what I can and although my sons are still kids in a way they are grown. They know the difference between right and wrong and although they still live at home, they will make decisions everyday that I may or may not agree with. Really I just have to try to guide them and help them make solid decisions but at this point they are ultimately going to do what they want anyway.

My thankful moment for this Wednesday is that I feel my kids for the most part are going to be productive members of society and I am proud of them.

Bully gets away......

2009-10-12T21:03:00.007-04:00

Today Trae was walking in the local mall with his girlfriend when this 20+ year old punk wearing a UFC sweatshirt decided to start yelling at him calling him a faggot and telling Trae to pull up his pants. Trae's pants are droopy but they don't show his underwear. Trae did the right thing and ignored him and kept walking.

Shortly later on another floor of the mall the guy came up to Trae and got nose to nose with him and was saying the same things. Trae pulled up his pants but the dude kept on calling him a faggot. Trae did what anyone would have done and punched him (about 4 times). The guy never threw a punch at Trae but did stop calling him names.

The mall cops came and the bully decided at that time to call 911 and say Trae hit him. The guys eye was bleeding all down his face. The mall cops took Trae to a private room and once he was there they handcuffed him. I don't understand that part at all. If a kid has never been in trouble, is cooperating, why are you going to handcuff him while there is a room of Charles County Sheriffs and mall cops? Where do you think he's going?

Then to boot they banded Trae from the mall for a year. The other guy was dancing around laughing saying "this is what I do". What a dick. So Paul and I went to the mall to confront him. He works there. He wasn't there but the kid working told us his name and so we called the district store. They were not happy, so I wonder will he be dancing tomorrow when his district manager is in his face.

I totally understand the fact that the mall police and Sheriffs have to do what they have to do to try to keep the ruckus from happening and coming to the mall, but a kid and his girlfriend walking through the mall minding their own business being bullied and yelled at and followed in the mall, feel like they are being threatened so they react and they get barred from the mall for a year. What's up with that?

Help is needed

2009-09-21T19:12:00.004-04:00

I'm writing this for advise from anyone who has been there done that worn the tee shirt. I have a friend who is near and dear to my heart. I will call her Kim. Kim is a beautiful woman who takes your breath away by sight. She is the sweetest person you could ever meet. She would take the shirt literally off her back if you needed it. She is loving, intelligent and honestly the best friend anyone could ever want or need. She has all the attributes of the perfect friend, there's only one problem. She has no belief in herself, she has no idea how wonderful she is, she has no faith that anyone could ever need her, want her. She has no clue what wonderful gifts she has to offer. Why you ask? She isn't allowed. Huh?

She has no self esteem, self pride, and she will NOT rock the boat, EVER! Her husband is very controlling. He tells her where she can go, what she can do, where she can work, where she will get her mail, where she can take her child, he controls every aspect of her life and identity. It started with small things and has begun to grow into things she knows are wrong but can't find the strength to fight. If she goes against anything he says, he repays her by doing things that hurt her and then tells her it's her fault. He wouldn't have done it, if she wouldn't have disobeyed.

Now to you and I we may disagree on stuff with our spouse, but most often it's about it's small things that all couples endure, but for her there is no normal, everything is a battle, and his retaliation against her for fighting even the simplest of battles is a deal breaker for the rest of us. For her it's something she caused him to do.

She owns her home,(something she had prior to their marriage) she does work ( of course her job was approved by him), but although she has survived many years without a husband, he has convinced her that without him she will crumble and lose it all. I of course give her much advise, I tell her she has to train herself to think differently. To think for herself and her child. Her husband will not like that one bit. Now I don't think he would hurt her, but regardless she is scared. She has allowed him to break her down to where she believes she is nothing, she has no inner strength, she doesn't know how to do something without his permission (which is rarely given).

When I talk to her I feel like I am forceful and like she resents me for my constant advise. My advice seems unwelcome and although I know she knows I love her I wonder if I say the right thing, or the wrong thing. I wonder how to help her, how do I help her? Am I making it worse for her? She understands what I am saying and agrees with me but putting it into action is the hard part. She has no friends, she isn't allowed, she can't even wave to neighbors in passing that is forbidden.

Is there a book, is there something positive I can do or say that will help her gain strength to fight this horrible man? The worst part is I know him and he is a decent guy to the outside world. He would do anything for anyone ELSE, just not her. He loves her child and every once in awhile he is actually nice to her. However she is kept clear that she has a place and that place is behind him, not just to cook dinner but to bring it to him, not just to keep the house clean, but to pick up after him, he doesn't have to do anything at all in the home, that is a woman's job. Yes believe it or not there is still at least one man on the planet earth that believes that and she found him. That includes the outside, she is to mow the lawn, she is to fix the drain outside if it is clogged even if that means digging five feet down with a shovel. His vehicle is never even a year old, hers starts if it's a good day and if not, well sorry. She can't have a computer, she can't be online, and to ensure that he password protects them.

Please help me, leave a comment, tell me what worked for you or someone you know. Tell me something so I don't feel so helpless. I am her only friend and I am only allowed because there is great distance between us. If he knew I was trying to help her gain her strength I would be forbidden too.

Really???

2009-09-10T18:00:00.003-04:00

If you move away from family when you are a young adult and live far away all of your adult life, is it okay for you family to not know who your kids are? And don't get me started on how to spell their names. Of course spelling them differently than the "norm" it's to be expected that people might spell them wrong but family after 18 years, seriously??? Trae and Coty. It's only four letters, here I will help you T-R-A-E and C-O-T-Y.

It must come down to me feeling like it's the old "Out of sight out of mind" thing. I know all my nephews and nieces. I cherish them all. I text the majority of them and they text me. Would it be okay if I didn't know them? To me that's easy...... Hell no! That's unacceptable, no if's, ands or buts about it.

It's not anything to lose sleep over but it does hurt. I sent Trae's senior picture over text to all my family and friends. I got a response saying "Who are you?" I thought to myself hey it's a phone, maybe the screen is small, maybe it's blurry... Maybe... Maybe.....Maybe. Not only did that message tell me that you didn't know my son, but you didn't have my number saved in your phone. WOW aren't we family? Siblings even.

You know I have facebook, myspace, and this blog. I post pictures on all of them. Not a computer user? Your spouse and kids are. They are on my pages, don't you see them? You get my family pictures at Christmas, right? (Of course not every year but I try and actually have never gotten one from you). My friend from high school sent back "WOW he looks just like you". Okay so if he looks like me did you forget what I look like?

I have no doubt that I will take some heat for this blog but the thing is, this is my blog, my online therapy, my page my feelings, my opinion. So I will just say it now, if you are mad then I say Do you feel guilty? Don't read it, don't look at it, whatever works for you, the fact remains even though no harm was meant, harm was received and that's how I feel.

Of course I will get over it, I always do, but for right now, I am hurt.

Cheesen in the tux

2009-09-09T17:37:00.003-04:00

Trae Matthew Hampson my 18 year old son is a Senior this year. He will graduate in June 2010. The school he attends enforces you get your photo taken in this "standard" attire. This is my favorite picture of course he and I don't agree. I like the smile he doesn't. My baby boy is so handsome.

How did 18 years pass already? When they are babies and they get up every two hours, you pray for this day. When we are in the potty training stage and mess in their pants, you pray for this day. When they get into everything, learn the word "NO", cause a seen in a public place, nag you for toys, complain about homework, you get called by the principal (luckily I have NEVER gotten that one), when they begin dating, and get their hearts broken, you pray for this day.

I'm here to tell you I know it will not be long when I am typing my Graduation Day blog and I dread it. Trae is my first born and we all know there is a special bond between a mother and her first born. I'm in no way am I saying I love him more than the other two because I don't it's just everything for him that was a first was also a first for me. Trae is my training wheels for kids and I don't think I did half bad. I may be ready to try a trike but definitely not ready for only two wheels. I try to remember that he learned to ride without training wheels a long time ago, it's me who has to relearn.

I'm a proud mother and although Trae is probably very ready to move on to the next chapter in his life, I for one am not in a hurry for that day to come. I'm excited for him, and just hope I have given him all the tools he needs to be successful and even more importantly remembers how to use them.

Clear or Foggy?

2009-09-03T12:27:00.005-04:00

Does anyone know why it's so hard to make any type of decision regarding your own life but it is so simple to see so clearly what someone else should do in theirs?

How many times do we say to our friends "you should do this or that?" Your friend cries and tells you what is wrong with her/his life and the writing is boldly written on the wall for me but my own life is so completely unsolvable? What is that about? Easy to hand out advise but refuse to take the very same advise. You think in your mind how simple the answer is why doesn't he/she see it??? Like looking into a fish bowl --its clear as a bell.

I have a friend I will call her Pam. She has every reason to be miserable and the issues in which she faces every day I have NEVER been through anything even remotely close to the same thing. She deals with it her way and although I can't imagine in which way I would handle it, and not judging her at all for handling it the way she is, I still see how self destructive it is. How do I help her? How can I offer up any advise when I have no idea the pain she feels? I feel so helpless I don't want to overstep myself but I don't want to pretend that it's okay either.

I feel like all I can do is be a friend to her, talk to her, be there for her, and listen. Be the friend to her that I would want if I was in her shoes. There is no simple answer, life throws us all curve balls all we can do is try to catch them and not let them smack us in the face.

Friend or Foe?

2009-08-27T10:14:00.005-04:00

I have two friends that I really don't care much for their significant other. Yesterday I was actually speaking to both of them and during a conversation with one of them she was telling me how she had been receiving phone calls from another man. He is only a friend but she enjoys talking to him. I asked her if her significant other was talking on the phone to another women would that bother her, she responded yes. I said well, just because he has played mind games with you for years, really doesn't give you the right to do it to him. I told her playing with people's hearts is cruel and if he couldn't do it without hurting her she shouldn't do it to him. She responded with but you're my friend you're supposed to be on my side.

As I told her I am on her side but I believe Karma is a beotch and it will come back eventually. You can't do to him what would hurt you. You know the saying, two wrongs don't make a right. Although I knew she wasn't mad at me for being honest and telling her how I feel, it really made me stop and think.

Do friends think that you should always take up for them even when you are against what they are doing? Does not taking up for them make you a bad or a good friend? Is it better to say nothing rather than say what is exactly on your mind (when they ask)?

I think I am a great friend and I think that people know how I feel about important issues. I also feel like telling someone you care about something that skirts how you really feel doesn't help them. As we all know telling the truth is always harder than lying in almost every situation but in the end causes so much less pain.

Sanity returns?

2009-08-26T12:46:00.006-04:00

School is back in session. Trae is a senior, Coty is a sophomore and Logan is in fourth. Finally after the absolute worst summer of all time, (actually if I am being honest the worst YEAR) maybe some peace in our home. What do I mean? Well for crying out loud you must not have any kids, or shall I say teens/young adults. First when kids are off for the summer this is what they do. Stay up all night playing video games, texting, on myspace, whatever, sleep all day long wake up just in time to shower and walk out the door to loiter at the mall till it closes and then back home again. When they drive? OMG don't even get me started. I was a kid once and although I am sure they forget that, there is no fooling me. I have seen it, done it, said it, and they just simply are not going to get over on me.

In the meantime the drama.........girls calling, ringing the doorbell, missed appointments (due to over sleeping) which according to them wouldn't happen if I didn't make a dentist appointment in the morning. I am on another planet, last time I checked 1:00 p.m. is early afternoon. Why can't this person stay the night who cares that you work and get up at 5:00 a.m. we won't wake you we'll still be up anyway, piling teens in my son's car, seat belts? Please how dumb are you anyway? baseball practice, games, this kid needs a ride too, senior photos, this girl with this guy then well that was 5 minutes ago-- jeez mom catch up. Anyway I think you get the picture. The difference between summer vacation and now you ask?

Bedtimes, rules, schedules, hopefully some responsibility and peace and quiet. They all go to their respective rooms about 10:00 p.m. I find it hard to go to bed because the house, it's so quiet and peaceful. No wrestling pillows or each other, no fighting, nothing just the sound of my favorite movie. Aww the tranquility of it all.

Lets not forget the power of threats. If you don't do well in school, if you don't ace this test, no kids staying the night, no driving, no phone ---HOLY CRAP DID SHE SAY NO PHONE??? Yeah that's the attention getter for my boys. Take my car, take my allowance, take whatever you want but please don't take my communication to the outside world!!!!!!!!! WOW!!

Using school to get your way as a parent is a very powerful tool. Hey kids don't do what their parents say (well at least mine don't) so we need that edge, that one thing we can use to get what we need that ultimately is for them anyway. Like using Santa's arrival or shall I say non-arrival on the younger ones to get them to eat their veggies. Whatever it's the same thing. Well it was for me until the other day. What happened? Well as you know my mom died in January and while I was in Oregon with her I found my old yearbooks. Inside one of them was a report card from high school. My GPA was like a 1.0 (long story). Yep that's what I said-- a one point zero. Trae of course came across it just the other day and said mom if I got a 1.7 and you were mad and said all I was doing in school was breathing, what were you doing in school when you got a 1.0? Now seriously what the hell do I say to that?

There are no books on how to be a perfect parent, no boxes to check as you handle one issue and move on to the next. We remember what our parents did or what our friends parents did and we do the best we can. It's basically trial by error, if this didn't work let me try this, etc. I wouldn't be who I am today and my life wouldn't be as satisfying without those three buggers but there is nothing wrong with me liking a little stress-free, quiet evenings either.

Logan was actually excited on the first day but the sun was in his eyes.

Men vs. Woman

2009-08-20T10:08:00.007-04:00

In general conversation and throughout my life, it's funny how men refer to their wives as "the old lady"; "the old bag"; and "ball and chain". How wude!!!! Or they say the flame is out, died, lost, or whatever. Men usually lack good communication skills (at least most women believe that) in general so even if they don't feel this way, we as women think they do because they don't tell us otherwise.

Why is it that a man can sit on the couch, lift his leg and blast a 5 minute long fart and yet if a women accidentally passes gas it's like the man looks at her like "Are you kidding, that is so gross". I'm not kidding I have 3 sons and it starts at the very earliest of ages, they can't believe that a women would ever do that. They look at you like you just threw up in their mouth. When I wake up in the mornings my first thought is of Mr. Paul. How did he sleep? Where did he sleep? Did he sleep? What is he going to do today? I get to work, start my day and wait for that text telling me he is up. Then after a few minutes I call him just to hear his voice. I can't imagine a single day of my life without him in it, and yet does he feel the same? On occasion I decide to see if he will call me. I wait, wait and wait. Nothing. So I decide to call him and see if everything is okay. There has to be a reason he hasn't called me. Did he have a heart attack? Did he crash? Did he break his leg? OMG it has to be terrible!!! I get him on the phone and say what are you doing, is everything OK and he responds with a yes why? WHAT? It's 1:00 p.m. and I haven't heard from you all day how can everything be fine. He says "I was just getting ready to call you". Come on now, I might have been born yesterday but I wasn't born last night? You think I'm that stupid?Now maybe he would have called and maybe not but as a women I always think I must love him more than he loves me, or he is more important in my life than I am in his. Why do we do that? Maybe it's really true "Men are aliens!!!!!!!" They are heartless and only care about their own needs! That's it they are all jerks! I have solved the revolutionary question all women have. We're not psycho, stalkers, spies, we just weren't given a human to deal with. Men are a completely different species. Phew......... I don't know about the rest of you but I feel a ton better now.Here's another example. Every morning when I arrive to work I place a nice comment or photo on Mr. Paul's facebook wall. Just a little something to make him smile, or think of me, or simply just so he knows I am thinking of him and love him. He has never wrote a single word on my wall. Never a response, picture, not a word. At first I kept doing it thinking he would eventually say something. Nope still nothing. So I asked him one day "hey did you like the photo I put on your facebook wall today?" He says "which one"? OMG are you frigging kidding me? If the situation was the other way around if one time he put anything on my wall I would know it by heart. Memorize it after only reading it once but he has no recollection of what I put on there that day. Crap it's worthless. I can't win.

Could it just be as simple as men are just different than us? Not worse or better just different? Hence why they are men and we are woman? Maybe that was God's plan for us to be different but the same? Maybe God just wanted to watch us try to figure this out, generation after generation. Laughing at us and how such a simple thing has remained so entirely unanswered. Maybe they love us more or even the same but don't show it for the mere fact that they are men and men are emotionless? Maybe they were raised that emotion is for girls? Or maybe our worst nightmare is actually true, maybe he really doesn't love me. Yep that must be it, he doesn't love me, I am unlovable, ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I know is I have spent my entire adult life asking myself these questions and I finally have some clarity. As I sat at Starbucks and listened to a friend speak I realized that Mr. Paul and I are not so different after all. Appears more married folks than Mr. Paul and I live everyday almost the same as we do, asking the same questions, looking for the same responses.

I am sure of one thing, although our lives together hasn't been drama or hassle free (to say the least), I have never loved someone the way I love Mr. Paul. I have never felt the way I do with him, and after 12+ years I still feel butterflies when he is near me. All I can say for sure is our love is real and although we will never be the same, that is the thing I would never want to change.

Bring your kid to work day

2009-08-18T11:55:00.008-04:00

August 14, 2009 was bring your kids to work day for the Department of Justice (DOJ). I decided to bring Logan with him being 9 and all I figured it wouldn't be too bad and he was old enough to behave. In DOJ all the organizations have a booth and offer free exhibits, K-9 dogs, whatever they choose to show the kids something that organization does. Many of the agencies offered finger printing and the FBI had a bomb robot and truck there. It was very interesting.

Logan was very excited he got up at 6:00 a.m. and rode in with me. I bought him breakfast and then we headed out. We stopped at the FBI bomb truck.
ATF putting Logan in a bullet proof jacket
Logan with the jacket and Kevlar helmet. He's in heaven!
Waiting patiently (yeah right!) to throw a sharp dart at a balloon
With two armed U.S. Marshall's in shackles (Lord please
don't let this ever happen again) :) It's summertime and my children stay up all night and sleep most of the day. Logan as I have often said is not much of a sleeper but he still was exhausted. This is what I saw within 10 minutes of heading home. plop............ over he went.
I'm thinking , it was a successful time.

Pub Crawl

2009-08-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

Bill and his lovely bride Joanne invited Paul and I to attend a Pub Crawl with them. We thought you know it's time for us to have some fun, so we said what the heck!

My first quest was to figure out what is a Pub Crawl exactly. Basically Bill and Joanne were staying at a hotel in Roslyn VA and a bus would pick us up at a sushi bar the next block up. We arrived to the hotel about 4:30 p.m. and Bill and Joanne were already there. They had a room a few doors down from us. We checked in, went to the room and got unpacked. The view from the room was so beautiful.

Then we went to their room. They had an adjoining room with their friends Roddy and his girlfriend. Between the two rooms there was so much food and alcohol. Any kind of drink you could literally imagine. They had like 4 plastic tubs full of alcohol for the bus. Paul and I started with jungle juice. Bill and Joanne made it. The funniest thing about that was they were telling us about how this container (like a water jug for a cooler) had a screw on top which if removed allowed one to pour several things into the jug at once. However neither of them noticed this removable top when they were making the jungle juice. They had unscrewed the actual area where you flip the tab and the drink comes out. It took them forever to get all the liquor in the jug and get it full. Only then did they notice the removable top that would have saved them a whole lot of time. Now that is funny. Were they already drinking???

Bill and Joanne's friend Trey enters the room. Now he was a hoot. He walks in and you knew without even knowing him he was definitely was the life of the party. He walks in and says "Hey Bitches", then the next words out of his mouth were man I promised my girlfriend I would go to Church tomorrow, "F--". In context it was hilarious. So many random thoughts all at once. All night we kept repeating it......Hey Bitches, I gotta go to church tomorrow, F---". Okay well maybe you have to be there, but if you were there you can totally hear it. In the picture below of our lovely Joanne - Trey is on the far right. Hey dude what's happening?

Little by little more folks began to arrive to the "hot spot". Soon it was standing room only in this small room. Our cherished jungle juice was being invaded by everyone. Dang it, I don't drink but man that was mine. I knew I should have hid it. So we head off to the sushi bar, called Cafe Asia. Great! I can't wait...one thing I don't eat?? Anything that used to swim or slither in life, where are we going? Sushi bar? Not good, not only is it a form of fish but raw fish, dead fish, and worse ever, fish eggs. I want to literally throw up. Thank goodness they have regular Chinese type food.

So Bill and Joanne order a platter of all different types of Sushi. Let me explain the place is packed, and loud as ever. You can barley hear the waitress more less she can't understand us very well. So hear comes the platter. The waitress sets down their platter and they dig in. Arg! There it is plenty of all different types of random dead fish guts, eggs all swirled together.

At the opposite end of the table sits these two girls. One I will call her Blondie, but carries the type attitude that she thought she was the main desert for all, somehow thinking she was blessing the rest of us with her presence. PLEASE! Her friend, butta face, as we were calling her, was not attractive and honestly after 34 drinks, still not attractive had the whole "I'm hot" attitude thing going on as well. Anyway after most of Bill and Joanne's sushi platter was gone the waitress realizes that she gave Bill and Joanne the girls platter. Blondie was pissed and was glaring at our end of the table. Bill did the respectable thing. He picked up the platter with the remaining sushi and walked it down to them. Of course Blondie and butta were not about to eat after anyone so they rudely declined. Ultimately the waitress was in the wrong so she brought out a new one for them and ended up bringing Bill and Joanne the one they actually ordered. So we haven't even gotten on the bus yet and already drama. What the heck and I don't even eat fish.

It's 9:00 time to board the bus. In walks Kelly. Kelly's job is to announce the bar we are heading too, give us arm bands so we don't have to pay any cover charges and tell us what time to be back on the bus so we can head to the next destination. What we see is a school bus that has been transformed. It's blue and painted all over, once inside the bus driver, Alfonzo, high fives everyone and in you go. Once inside there are no seats, just a row of bench along the outside of the bus on both sides, there are three "stability poles", disco lights and the music was blaring. In the back of the bus was all the tubes of alcohol. Oh Lord the fun begins............

Paul getting giggly on the bus!

So we are off to the first place, eyebar in DC. Now picture a blue school bus, music blaring, windows up and down and people dancing/thrusting against the stability poles. The only rule on the bus? If you don't have a drink in your hand get off! I'm stunned. Isn't this like, open container? 35 people all have been drinking for hours, on a bus all drinking alcohol, standing, dancing, swinging on the poles while driving in downtown DC. What a site. Oh but it gets better. In eyebar everyone was pretty calm just standing around basically waiting for the next stop.

We got on the bus and headed toward public bar. This place was wild, it was several levels with different types of music on each floor. Flat screen TVs everywhere. Somewhat like a sports bar setting. Here we stood packed like sardines and just laughed and drank. I had the whole smart thing going on. I would drink water in the bars and drink alcohol on the bus. We left public at midnight. The stairs in this bar are literally suicide sober if you were drunk you would not want to have to walk up these flights of stairs. They were wood, steep and Lord like 5 stories.

Oh No - Bill's on the pole..........

We were off on the bus for ride number 3 to Rumors. Now this bar was hopping. There were people literally in every crevices of the place. Bill and Joanne were dancing and since we were with them we were too. Holy crap is that Michael Jackson??? Awesome finally music I know. I tried to dance but this white girl has no rhythm. I wasn't drunk so therefore I knew I was not able to move in a way in which I could even pretend I was dancing. I am pathetic. This was so out of my element. I had no rhythm. I just knew everyone was looking at the dumb girl attempting to dance.

It was amazingly hot in there and Paul suggested we go outside for some fresh air. Well we went outside and cooled off and when we were ready to go back in the bar was at capacity, so they wouldn't let us in. We were fine with that. The bar was inside and out so we could clearly hear the music. So we just leaned up against this planter and talked to some others who were outside. There were people everywhere walking, calling cabs, getting into limos, etc. Then we got on the bus again headed to the hotel.

People were all over that stinking bus. I was thinking man I'm tired is the party over? Oh no, just starting. Everyone headed back to Bill and Joanne's room to drink it up. There were people everywhere between the two rooms. Joanne was laying flat in the middle of her bed where I felt inclined to lay next to her. We laughed and watched people.

The night drew to an end about 3:30 am. It was fun and was something totally different than Paul and I had ever done. I was a little out of my sorts but would go again if I had to do it all over. Bill and Joanne showed us a great time and we met some good people. It is always great to see Bill in a totally different light. In Eielson he was my boss, an officer and now he is just Bill. He is fun, and his wife is the best. She is this fun, lovable, wonderful person full of life. Paul and I are blessed to have them as our friends.

Can I have bubbles?

2009-08-03T18:57:00.005-04:00

Kids man they drive us all crazy don't they? They're kind of like men, you can't live with them and you can't live without them. You love them with all your heart but sometimes you just can't figure out who raised them.

I was watching this movie and these two guys are watching kids blowing bubbles and it makes them so happy and one guy says to the other, why can't I enjoy anything as much as kids enjoy blowing bubbles? Now I don't know about your kids but my kids would never think blowing bubbles was fun. They have Wii, PS2 and Xbox, a pool table and a ping pong table and yet they are always bored. Why is that? They absolutely hate it when I say when I was a kid..... It's official I am my mother.

Doesn't it seem like when you get married sooner rather than later it seems like all you do is whine and complain? Same with kids they start out so cute and adorable, then they become teens and they are still cute and adorable but for whatever reason they have no common since? I wonder did I drive my mom and dad so crazy? Was I so lackadaisical? Did I act like I was invincible? Did I make my parents feel like nothing they did was good enough? Me? Never I was the most lovable, kind, and enjoyable child a parent could ever ask for.

Is it possible they really don't notice their room looks as though a tornado went through it? When they noticed the dishwasher was full when they place their dirty dishes on the counter to harden, so that when I get to it I break a freaking acrylic nail trying to scrap the gunk off the plate? When they drive away maybe the garage door actually went up instead of down? I mean for real I hit the button, and I saw it close. (I'm stupid) Maybe its possible the teacher really doesn't like them and that is why they got an "F". Maybe its possible they didn't see me cooking or feel the heat from the hot stove when they fixed a bowl of cereal and then weren't hungry for dinner?

Everyday it's something, if it's not grades, it's stupid girls, decisions or lack of, do all kids think money grows on trees? Do all kids despise their younger siblings? Do all kids walk past their parents with this total look of disgust? Dang kids have no idea how many dirty diapers I changed because if they did they would know I have dealt with enough crap to last a lifetime.

My kids are wonderful and I am sure my life is totally normal, but sometimes I feel like such a mean cow. I worry if I have taught them enough, sheltered them too much, given them enough responsibility. I guess all parents walk around every day with a flashing question mark beaming above my head.

All I want to do is one day come home from work and the whole house is blowing bubbles and perfectly content with it.

The climb matters not the mountain

2009-07-22T10:38:00.007-04:00

I am proud of me today. Often as you read about my life you see this array of emotions but never once have I reflected on my greater good, so today I shall. I have always been the person I am today but in my younger days I was very selective about who I opened myself up to. Now I have this since of nothing ventured nothing gained. No, I am not ever going to sky dive, bungee jump or swim with sharks, but more of a, this is who I am and you will either care deeply for me or its your loss. I allow many to see and know the real me and I don't worry so much about standing guard for that hurtful person who will prey on my feelings and vulnerabilities.

After my mother died I thought of this saying that I have posted on my facebook, myspace and on my blog profile. It reads "Life is not measured by the shell others see but by the mold we leave when the shell is gone." Now I am pretty sure I made that up but it describes what I feel is really important in the end. Life isn't measured or successful based on how many cars I have, if my house is the biggest on the block, or how many children I adopt from other countries, its measured by the things I leave behind when my body is gone from sight.

Do my kids remember things I said, annoying as they may have been? Things I loved liked butterflies, Michael Jackson, yellow, my dream vacation of someday seeing Egypt or the morals and beliefs I have tried to teach them? Do they find they try to instill the same morals, and beliefs on their own kids? Does my wonderful husband remember my smell, my laugh and miss how much I truly loved him for just being him? Will my friends and family sit around looking at my scrapbooks and not only see the pictures but the time, energy and sweat I used while creating each page. The love I felt with each individual picture? Will they tell stories of greater times and remember me with a smile?

Of course I remember my mom's less than finer moments but they don't outweigh the wonder she brought into my life. Love is undeniable, its pure in every sense and man do I love. I love my husband, I adore my kids, my family and the friends who stand by me. I often think about the woes of me and the trials and tribulations of my life, but on the drive in to work today I was reflecting on my life and realized that all these trials and tribulations or shall I say mountains I've climbed and will continue to climb, are what have made me who I am. My life experiences, these mountains weren't what created me it was the climb.

The mountains I have climbed in my life have created the make-up in which ultimately is the mold I will leave behind. I am a sister, auntie, mom, wife, volunteer, employee, daughter, and a friend and I am thankful that I believe I am fairly successful at these identities. I can smile today because I believe the mold I will leave behind is far greater than the shell I see now. I will not be easily forgotten.

I can't win....

2009-07-20T17:19:00.005-04:00

You know coming from a large family is wonderful but at times it's also terrible. I have 7 siblings, 15 nephews and nieces, and even they have kids now. I have aunt's and uncle's and one Gramma remaining. The list for a group email is, well a short novel alone.

The thing for me I find most challenging is living 1/2 my life and really my entire adult life away from them. I have a brother now 6 hours from me and that is the closest sibling I have ever had. They remember me as a kid, and I remember them as anything but. Over the years we have become closer, it's been like old hat for some and for others it's a working progress. Regardless the ultimate goal is for all of them to know how much I love them, their kids, step kids and their husbands and wives.

Until my mother's tragic death in January '09 I had never spent much time with my nephews and nieces since they too have grown up. I find it almost impossible sometimes to establish rapport with some of them. Finding middle ground, not picking sides, staying neutral, not judging, and just getting to know them for the adults they are and will become. When I was home (Oregon) I was really the mediator between them and my siblings. It made since I didn't have kids there so I could listen to their thoughts, problems, whatever and bring it to the table openly. I enjoyed getting to know them and earning their trust and I have to admit being the cool aunt doesn't suck either.

With all that said, I find that although I try to understand their dilemmas and problems, sometimes I don't understand why do they understand mine. I try to remember that they are young and naive and haven't lived (so to speak). For me I find that I don't understand big things when I haven't experienced them. Life is like that, hard to understand things you haven't experienced. The key I think is, trying to understand, never judge and remember that we all do the best we can with what we know, what we feel and use our best judgement to make good solid decisions.

However the age gap is always going to be an issue. I think differently than a 20 year old, who doesn't. It's normal and expected. Problem? Problem is I don't understand how someone can offer up advice on subjects in which they have no experience, knowledge, or know how. When I react they get mad and then all heck breaks loose. There are days I wonder is it better to have lots of family and friends and with that issues, problems, drama or stick to yourself and have none?

Also if you piss off one of them it's like a chain reaction. The ones they are exceptionally close to, hear the other side and before you know it 1/2 the family is pissed. If I was the person some of them still believe I am then I wouldn't care what any of them thought or said, but since I am not that person I do care.

I wish they knew this about me. Once I say what is on my mind, I'm done with it. There are no decade long grudges, hatred, nothing. I'm done with it, its water under the bridge. So how long will you continue to pout? If you're going to offer up advise on touchy issues, try to remember that touchy subjects mean sensitive issues so wearing kid gloves is almost always a good approach.

Ultimately you know how I feel about you (you know who you are) I love you, you're family and I hope you realize that part of being friends/family is accepting differences and acknowledge disagreements, and move on. Let it go and continue to grow as friends. I had a weak moment and should have handled it better. Forgive me.

Are you kidding?

2009-07-17T17:48:00.005-04:00

Adult acne affects 25% of adult men and 50% of adult woman. Come on man are you kidding me? Never more than a pimple here or there until about 2 years ago and now all of a sudden my face turned into the solar system.

It's so not fair, I have never been high in the esteem department so you've got to know having pimples at my age is definitely not helping. What the heck, this is such crap. I have used Clinque all my life, but seems that even that isn't getting the grime out.

There is also a small thing called pickitis. No lie, it's a real disorder (just add it to the long list of all my other disorders). I start by noticing a small bump or red dot, then I get it and no matter what costs. That small bump has to be gone, gone, gone I say. Pick, poke, pry, and if all else fails it's time for the tweezers. Yep us real pickers know that a set of tweezers can be very useful. If you aim them at the perfect angel and right spot you can get that little Burger to buckle. If that fails or isn't an option for those hard to reach ones you have to find a close loved one to work on them.

You can imagine by the end of this that small dot or bump has now become a huge cyclopes that not even bangs can hide (yes I did consider cutting bangs in to try to hide them). My hair will literally buckle around that darn thing. Today I literally tried to do a sort of comb over, swoosh type thing across the middle of my forehead to hide the hugely inflamed sore I had actually removed a chunk of skin from this one. So now I have about 8 Cyclops's on my face and neck. Cover up you say? Well when you pick them like I do and then try to cover with cover up it turns into this dried out mole looking burn spot that seems to draw even more attention than the red, raw, skinless, sap oozing cut.

Like my sister said, now is not a good time for any type of photo ops, so for all you modeling agencies that have been beating on my door please come back in a week.

What's the right thing to do??????

2009-07-16T09:53:00.003-04:00

Has anyone out there ever dealt with a person who was attempting to recover from an addiction? I have once but not like the situation I find myself in now. My ex husband is an alcoholic. If you have read my blog I have already explained all this before.

I find myself confused (I know shocker right). I want to be strong and I want to be there for him but at the same time I don't. I have to be honest I really don't. I gave him every moment he wanted prior to rehab and it literally sucked the life out of me. I did everything I could from finding the facility, to talking to him on the phone for countless hours.

Now as I said before just not being specific about it, he fell off the wagon the first day he was home alone from rehab and called me at 4 am. I was very angry, hurt, and disappointed. I felt betrayed almost. Like I had given him everything I had to give and he couldn't give back by remaining sober or at least fighting it with every ounce of his being.

My first thought was my two boys. Those innocent children that are victims of this. The pain and agony they will feel all over again. How is that fair to them? Aren't they enough to make him fight this? I don't understand, how can they? One of them is so lax about the entire thing. He basically just talks to his father as if it doesn't matter whether he is sober or not. The other not so forgiving, and in my mind just fully so.

Regardless how they feel, as a mother I am wondering how to protect them from this. He texts me last night telling me he isn't being successful about the whole sober thing. Of course I asked him if he had contacted his sponsor and of course he said no. He feels ashamed because he "can't do this". Not understanding this situation at all, I find myself wondering does he really even want to be sober? Does he really even care if he is alive to see my children graduate, get married and have children of their own? Does he want pity?

My God help me, I don't understand. All I know is I am not willing to have one single conversation with him while I know he is off the wagon. I don't want my kids to talk to him either, is that wrong? I don't know what he says to them, I don't know how he acts towards them, and I don't want him to hurt them again. Why can't he stop hurting the people who have loved him? As adults we can turn our back (even though we don't want to) but my kids can't. How do I stop the madness without them hating me for it?

As a parent I owe it to them to protect them from harm, why didn't I know that harm includes their father? How unfair of a position we are all in.

Another one bites the dust - at least today.

2009-07-15T12:50:00.005-04:00

Maybe because I don't have any daughters, maybe because I don't really hang with anyone ever, I don't know but I do know I will never learn not to get attached to the girls my sons bring into this house.

Just as I do, out the door they go never to return. Of course there are those I am glad I never have to hear another word about, but a couple of times I have really grown to appreciate and enjoy being around.

There will be many in and out my door before any of my sons find true happiness/soul mates, but between now and then I have to find that happy medium and enjoy them but know more than likely they will be replaced. The only question is when?

Does the worrying ever stop?

2009-07-14T16:46:00.002-04:00

I thought when my kids were babies, I couldn't wait till they walk, talk, fix their own dinner, drive, etc. During this time, I would worry when they started to walk that they will fall and have to get stitches (Of course Trae and Coty both did that). When they were in elementary school and middle school that they would get teased or whatever it just seemed as though I was always worrying about something.

Well no one ever told me that I would pray those days would come back. Now at 18 and 15 I worry about so much bigger things, I almost want them to be small again. (I did say ALMOST) I worry about drugs, alcohol, GIRLS, driving, peer pressure. Good grief these issues seem so big in comparison to a stitch or two from a fall.

Today Trae and Coty got up at 6:00 a.m. to attend the warpedtour in Columbia MD. A big concert that has many smaller stages with different bands playing at each area. Earlier they were going to a Mosh pitt. Yeah I'm with you. What the crap is that? Apparently it's where you (or us older folks) think they are fighting but really they are bumping into each other and jumping around. In big piles of people. Doesn't sound like fun to me, but whatever floats your boat I suppose.

The thing is I was sick to my stomach worrying about Trae driving outside our town (for the 1st time) and having to drive on the beltway. I mean he is my kid and all, which considering I get lost driving to the grocery store I was a tad bit worried he would end up in Michigan. Trust me it's possible.

Then we have the whole concert issue. Drugs and alcohol are always involved and tack on peer pressure. Hang on a second I need to go throw up. So now we have to remember that we as parent's do the best we can and hope for the best. Really that's all we can do but worrying is also apart of it. Lets remember we always second guess ourselves as parents. Did we do enough, teach them enough, allow them to be strong and independent but still hang onto them with a death grip. We want to protect them from bad decisions, pain and suffering.

All I can say is I wonder what state I will be in when they actually move out on their own, get married, have kids. Oh crap here we go again, time to throw up. Life as a parent and the worry that comes with it, will never cease.........

Gone far to soon.

2009-07-07T20:54:00.013-04:00

Michael Jackson, King of Pop, the greatest entertainer who ever lived......

Many people don't approve of Michael Jackson. Some feel as if he is a child molester and got off because he was rich. Some think he was a freak or strange to say the least. I think Michael Jackson was just like me, you and everyone we know. He was a man criticized by everyone and he himself was uncomfortable in his own skin. How tragic that this man who tried to make the last days of so many dying children was just a kid searching to make himself happy through the smiles of others.

Michael Jackson had it all, fame, richest he had everything money could buy, but if you look at the man in the mirror I think there was a world of pain, a man so unhappy and struggling to know who he really was. I'm no expert but ultimately why does it matter if he had plastic surgery, if he did or didn't have his children the "natural" way? Would it matter if it was me? You? Would you feel inclined to tell the world how your children were or were not conceived? Being famous gave the press the ability to write what they saw or thought they saw, to write what sales, but as a person maybe you should remember he was a father, a son, a brother, a friend, he was a person with feelings and maybe you should at least respect the dead.

I remember so fondly my friend Julie and I creating dance moves to his songs. We would make up routines so to speak and play his music and dance for Julie's mom on her living room stage. I remember watching countless hours of MTV just waiting for one of his videos.

I can say now without hesitation that although I am grown up I have cried watching the memorial services for him shown on TV today. I hate that I don't have the any hope of any more Michael Jackson albums to surface. I've lived a life without regrets but today my one regret is that I was never able to see him perform. I always wanted to and I always thought next time, I will go next time. He was my favorite of all time.

I heard someone say today at the memorial service that we so needed Michael but God needed him more. For me there is some peace in that.

The Most Important Journey I've ever taken......

2009-07-02T21:41:00.006-04:00

The following is a copy of the exact words I spoke at a Sunday Mass to my new family. I was asked to tell my story (journey) to the parishioners as a new baptised Catholic. This is very personal to me and I hope that you take the time to read it.

My journey here began believe it or not at a baseball game. For years I knew this family through baseball and for some reason wondered why they seemed so different than everyone else. A year ago I got my answer.

My sponsor's son plays baseball with my son and one day at a home game I saw her. I thought WOW she never comes I should go talk to her. As I began to walk towards her she was leaving, but later I found out something told her to turn around and come talk to me. We met up and started talking about random things. Towards the end of the conversation she explained to me that the following day was Holy Thursday and I should come with her. I agreed to go, I didn't know what told me to talk to her or why I agreed to go to Church with her, but I did.

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness it was very different from anything I had ever experienced. She told me that Sunday she was going to Easter Mass and I should come to this wonderful little Church she attends in Upper Marlboro. I had recently been through the most traumatic time in my life and it was literally killing me. I was angry, sad, hurt and would ask God daily why I had been chosen to carry the black cloud of darkness for what seemed to be my entire life. Nothing had ever been simple.

Sunday came and I was not having a good day. Literally the world had crashed around me. I was standing on our front porch crying and I saw her car pull up. She began talking to me while I steady cried. She didn't ask any questions, she just kept talking. I asked her how you forgive someone when they have hurt you so bad it has consumed your entire life. She said Jesus forgives everyone regardless of their sin if you ask him so who are we not to forgive?

Then she had an enthronement in her home and Father White and Bishop Olivea were there. I had many questions. I made an appointment with Father White for the following Sunday and began meeting with him regularly. He gave me a Catechism book and told me he hoped I wouldn't be insulted because it was written at a 7th grade level. We made another appointment and I went on my way. At the following appointment I had so many sticky notes on my book that I think even Father White was afraid he hadn't scheduled enough time for me. This went on for awhile and then my husband began coming to my regular meetings with Father White.

I told him I wanted to get baptized, so he helped me start the process. My first task was to go before the Tribunal. After I did that my husband and I needed to re new our vows in the Church, so Father White agreed to perform the ceremony. Then I began weekly RCIA classes.

What started as a room full of strangers ended in a room full of 6 friends I now call family. We would talk, share stories, laugh and unfortunately for Vernon and Charlie they were often in a room with three women that either one or all of us was crying about something, which I can say was usually me.

It seemed as though as soon as I made the commitment to become baptized, when I didn't think my life could possibly get any worse, everything around me began to crumble. I didn't understand it. I asked my sponsor why if I was trying to become closer to God why would my life get harder. She explained to me that before Satan had my soul and since I had decided to make a change he now had to worry about pulling me back with him. The harder I fought the harder he pulled.

I got to the point where I began to question what I was doing. My life was already horrible did I really need the extra stress of it all. My mother a Jehovah's Witness would disown me if she knew; but I pushed myself using anything I could think of to get me to class so I could live a better life, but most of all a life with salvation. I fought harder and harder and I prayed so much I just knew Jesus was praying I would stop.

I prayed that Jesus would talk to me and tell me what I was doing was the right thing to do. One night at RCIA Father Foley was teaching us about confession and I was nominated to be the Father and he was the confessor. He began a fake confession about how he was asking for forgiveness because he hadn't spoken to his brother in seven years. I almost lost it. I couldn't believe of all the random examples he could have used he used that one. Although until this very moment I'm sure Father Foley had no idea what was racing through my head but I am the last of 8 children and one of my sisters and I had not spoken in 15 years. Although I for once showed no emotion to his words, my mind immediately went back to the words of my sponsor that Easter day. "Who are we not to forgive?"

A few days later I wrote my sister a long email explaining to her that Jesus forgave everyone regardless of their sin and who was I not to forgive her. I explained to her over email that I felt that turning my back on her was the same as turning my back on Christ and that this hate would be a barrier between Christ and I.

As the road to Easter Vigil drew close my desire to become baptized grew stronger and stronger. Many more tribulations happened but the less and less they pulled me down. I knew that what made this family seem so different was their love of God and desire to change the lives of everyone around them.

On the day of baptism I was uneasy. I wondered if I was really worthy of taking communion and really understanding that it was so much more than just bread and wine but truly was the body and blood of the one who gave his life for me. Was I the one who had walked in the shadow of this black cloud my entire life going to bring rain or sunshine to the ones among me today?

The thought of being washed clean and renew my soul from all prior sin was unfathomable to me. After the baptism we were all celebrating and I began to talk to this young man who I had noticed through many Mass attendance seemed to know every word being said. Week after week I would watch him recite quietly the words being said. I spoke to him and asked him if he planned on becoming a Priest, he said to me "Please pray for me".

People say Please pray for me or my prayers are with you, but most of the time they are only words that are said. At that moment I realized I was part of your family and my prayers matter.

As I stand here today I will tell you this journey was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but definitely the most rewarding. I now have a family in you. People whom I can ask to pray for me and my family and believe that you will, people who want me to pray for them and I will.

I hope that one day I can be somewhere as simple as a baseball game and change someones life as mine was.

Thanks for humiliating me, cow!

2009-06-29T19:01:00.006-04:00

I work full time for the Federal Government in Washington DC and have "the best insurance I can buy". Well that is what I thought until I went to my preop appointment today and they told me that I had to pay over $500.00 for my surgery in two days. I was so pissed. Are you kidding me? I work everyday, full time and bust my butt literally working my fingers to the bone and I have to pay to have a necessary surgery? Get real man! No payments, no billing, just pay it. Well thanks for the heads up.

If that wasn't bad enough, after the lady tells me that, I said well I suppose I don't need to see the doctor today since I can't pay that my husband lost his job 6 months ago. So what does she do? She walks out to the receptionist in front of 3 other customers and about 3 employees and says refund her co-pay she can't afford the co-pay. Oh my God, I wanted to die. I can afford the co-pay stupid cow, I can't afford to pay for the surgery.

What is the world coming to that someone who works, and pays for insurance can't get a necessary surgery because they don't trust me to pay later? I am so pissed this world sucks and people are so rude.

What now you may ask? I suppose eventually something good will happen and my faith in this crap shoot of a world will be restored.

Back in the saddle again.

2009-06-24T20:14:00.003-04:00

So for me, life is, well crap it's challenging. Of course the obvious things like working full time in DC, mother of three very grown up boys (17, 14 and 9) wife, what else do I have time to do? Mr. Paul and I are on the local board for the little league which we do our share of volunteering for. Seems sometimes that there is literally no room for anything else. We definitely have to pick our battles in everything we do.

I have always had a bad habit of biting my nails until they bleed and like most of my family I am a stress eater. Yesterday the call came in that Andy is back in treatment. That truly is bitter sweet. After months of nonstop talking to him on the phone I really was convinced that he was ready and wanted to reform. After the recent events, I am not so sure.

I wonder if this is yet another way to "fool" his parents and us. We have all vested so much into his treatment that after that 4 am phone call I have to be honest and wonder if this isn't more of a game for him to play. Maybe he was not sober when he was talking to me and maybe he was just ranting like we all do when we have done something that we know others will be disappointed about, but maybe he wasn't. Only time will tell if he really wants to quit drinking and become a productive man of society but I find that I wonder if I am willing to give him anymore of my time to waste.

I know that seems mean, and I don't want it to, but honesty is cruel sometimes. I gave my heart and soul to him for months (not to mention 10 years)and I let my own family quality time suffer while I talked endlessly to him on the phone. I want to help him, I want him to be there for my kids, I want him to be there for his family, but at what costs? How much is enough? It's not like I am his wife, mother, sister? No I am his ex but I am the mother of his children, and that makes it personal.

I feel as if he played me (and of course many others) and I find myself pissed that I let him. Then on the flip side I do understand that almost all alcoholics relapse and so maybe this was just to soon for him to be alone. I want to believe it was just to soon for him and he wants to be sober. I don't want to turn my back on him and have that be a reason for him to drink.

Don't get me wrong I still stand strong on this being his choice. Choice to fight the addiction and/or choice to drink but I also feel that giving him an easy excuse to drink isn't something I want either.

I don't know how long he will be in treatment this time, and I don't know why he went back, what I do know if I will be praying that God help me to give credit where credit is due and also to see clearly if I am being taken. I pray Andy's intentions are good and that he will be successful, but if he is not, then unfortunately he will have proven that my kids will be hurt again, and I will be there to pick up the pieces as I was before.

Andy has to want this more than I want it for him, and more than his parents want it for him. If he could only see how much potential he has and what he has to offer if only he is sober. He is back in the saddle and I pray he will triumph!

Betrayal or not?

2009-06-17T20:32:00.005-04:00

Sometimes people confide in you and tell you something that you know you should repeat but they tell you not to. You ever wonder why people expect that from you? Why tell me something you know is bad and then request I hold it inside? Especially when telling is the right thing to do? Why do we wonder if we should betray their trust and tell what we know to be the right thing to do? Is it really betrayal if it is truly in their best interest to tell?

For example lets take our kids. What is your son tells you that this other boy got drunk and was driving home from a party ripped out of his mind. Do you tell the parents? Do you tell them if they are your friends? Do you tell them if nothing happened while he drove? Do you tell them because you would want them to tell you? Maybe that person told you because they knew you would tell?

I was recently in this exact situation. Not with my kids but with an adult. A grown person called me in the middle of the night and confided something to me that really I had no need to know. I knew that the information I was being told was in my best interest to relay to others, but my gut kept me questioning myself about it all day. I wondered if I should let it go? Was it my business to get involved? Could the others even help if I did tell them? Would it just cause more stress on these people who really don't need any further stress? Will it just make them feel as helpless as I do?

Ultimately I decided that the adult who put me in this position was first of all putting me in a unfair position. Second even though this person felt that I had no right to say anything, ultimately you gave me that right when you told me. You made it my business. Your choice to tell me and my choice to do with that information how I choose. choices, choices, choices.

Lets say I smoke and my husband hates it. He nags me and so I tell him I quit but I really didn't. If I tell you and you repeat that is that betrayal? I think so because I am not under the legal age to smoke, I am not hurting anyone in doing it (besides myself of course) and I am not putting anyone else life in danger.

However lets say I am a a alcoholic and I have struggled with this for many years and decide to seek help. If I am home one day and I call you and tell you I drank. Is it betrayal that you call my husband, parents, siblings someone close to me and warn them I have fallen? I say no, this could potentially kill me, and if you love me you should call someone that can help me.

Of course my blog, my opinion but even though the examples are like night and day in harm factor I believe life is about choices. Which choice will you make? Everything you do literally is a choice. Do I get up? Do I go to work? Do I drink? smoke? Regardless of what you do it comes down to choice. (Unless someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to do something it's your choice to do every thing you do).

Try to remember that if you are on the person blaming someone for "betrayal". You chose your life and I choose mine. I have to do what is best for me and my family and then you. If you're mad, angry and never talk to me again, that's your loss. I tried to help you because even though sometimes its clear you don't care about yourself I care!

I am a Rock and a Pebble.

2009-06-15T21:47:00.003-04:00

Today I awoke to lightening and rain. Got on the road at 6:00 a.m. right on time and as with any random day when you live in the city I found that my car was not moving. Great! I turned on the radio for a traffic update only to find that both ways out of my town to work were blocked by accidents. For the Love of God are you kidding me??? How do people wreck first thing in the morning, do they not understand people have to be at work? ARG!!!!!

I took a back road thinking I'll show you. Until I realized everyone else knew my short cut too. Crap it's a little early for me to be dealing with issues. I haven't even combed my hair yet. (I curl my hair at work). With traffic at a stop I decided I might as well just put on my make-up now which would be one thing to cross off my list of things to do once I arrive to work. Yeah I know people see you doing that and think "you stupid woman - can't you do that at home? That's how accidents happen". NO! I don't do it while in motion, only at stop lights, etc.

Okay done with the make-up so now it's just think about my day. hmmm... do I want to continue to feel confused or am I going to cowboy up and take action? I am the queen of advice to others so I can already hear myself giving advice to others and then getting irritated because they opt not to do what I have suggested. As you know sometimes life is more complicated than people let on. For me I am a very strong person. As a matter of fact most of my friends and family refer to me as the "Rock". I would have to say I am a rock, but I also am a pebble. I don't like being a pebble feeling weak and out of control but what is it that takes the super human out of me like kryptonite?

The daily struggles of life are really taking a toll on me. I feel like regardless of the situation or issue I am in a lose lose situation banging my head against a brick wall. That's the most frustrating thing for me. I can't control others actions (or lack of) so I feel helpless, which then turns to depression, which then reflects a pebble.

You know what has always baffled me? Someone makes a decision to do something. They do it, it gets back to the other person who is hurt by their decision. What happens? The innocent person has to make a decision that sometimes they don't want to make? Why do people do that? Why do I have to make a decision that I don't want to make because you're stupid? Isn't that always how it is? One person by making a decision that suits them forces another to make a decision they don't want to make. That's bull crap to me.

I think it's normal to be a rock and a pebble, I find it so hard to believe that people don't think of me as ever being a pebble but it's okay to be both. I think being a pebble is unhealthy and one should always learn to be a rock too. When you let your guard down, you set yourself up to get hurt hence the pebble.

Grief......

2009-06-11T18:53:00.007-04:00

I have been watching my children grieve and there is nothing I can do to help them. Both children are so different and handle themselves so differently. How do I know what to say, whether to hug or not hug, or whether or not I should just walk away for the time being and let them process their grief.

Coty is more like me in the aspect that he wears his heart on his shoulder. You can look at him and see the emotion. Regardless of whether he is sad, excited, anxious or happy or a little bit of each you can see it with the naked eye. Trae is not outwardly emotional. He doesn't show his emotions at all, he is tough to read and I often find myself wondering what he is thinking. He can be sad, happy, blah, excited and usually you will not know by looking at him. Every so often I see this sparkle in his eye but you have to look closely.

I have sat by and watched both of my sons grieve and it makes my heart ache. I can almost feel this horrendous pain in my chest and when I speak it's all I can do to fight off the tears. I feel so broken and helpless. There were moments this past week that I didn't handle situations the way I should have, but it's to late. Things I should have let slip by or ignored but I didn't. Watching them cry and talk about their lost friend day after day I honestly think I was mad, sad, angry all together. I wasn't able to help them. If that's not bad enough I actually got into a couple of fights with Coty. I'm the mom, the one who is supposed to protect her children and keep them safe and I can't do anything at all to help them. It's officially the absolute worse feeling in the world!

Doesn't it suck that we can't figure this crap out before we do it? Why does it have to be after? Stupid choices we make, stupid mistakes we make that we can't take back. Will they remember all the mistakes I have made, stumbling through this whole teenage thing for the first time, or will they remember the good times? I pray they remember both. The mistakes so they hopefully don't make them too, and the good so they can smile when my outer shell is no longer visible but my mold has been left.

I know the only thing I can do is be available for them both if/when they need me, but that doesn't seem like enough. The thing is, it's gonna have to be enough. My sons grieve now but there will come a day when they will think of Stephen and smile and remember his favorite song, his favorite color (purple) and their secret handshake. Then the clouds will begin to disappear and the sun will begin to shine again. They will cherish what they had with him and know that Stephen is with them in spirit everyday now, tomorrow and forever.

Love is a gift not an obligation and my boys loved Stephen and one day that will make them happy instead of sad.

Be careful about being influencial

2009-06-11T08:01:00.005-04:00

I have been trying to write something for days. I start something then all these other random thoughts come to mind. On the drive into work I was literally running a million things through my head.

If you've been reading along with my story you know that my life since December has not been a day at the beach. To recap, Trae wrecked his car, a week later Mr. Paul backed into mine, the entire month of January I spent in Oregon watching my mother die, in the same month Mr. Paul's job went belly up, Trae and Coty's friend hung himself, and the boys have been close to failing school.

I was reflecting on myself and wondering why sometimes it seems as though no matter how hard I try my life has been full of disappointment and trauma. How do I get up in the morning only to know that undoubtedly something else will hit, some other curve ball is thrown in which I have to fight my way to miss or resolve?

Then I thought of this blog. I thought about how many people have said how much my blog helps them and how much you enjoy reading what I have to say. As you know this blog is my therapy to work through my issues. Issues of grief, pain, disappointment and joy. How is my life inspirational when it's seems to always be in turmoil? Are you all reading my trials and tribulations and thinking to yourself how lucky you are and how your life is truly grand?

I thought about my men in black, my Judge friend, the kids teachers, coaches and how these people influence me and my kids. How my actions influence my kids, possibly the neighbor kids, etc. Most people would agree that there are some jobs that stand out as being influential. The President of the United States, teachers, Priests, Judges. The people in these positions of authority know that what they say and what they do influences others. If they are successful at these jobs then the take their influence into account before every word is spoken or action is carried out.

But what about other people. Normal people so to speak that maybe don't try to influence but have a tremendous impact on us? Do I influence you by this blog? Do you influence me by your comments? Here is a story of how someones words influenced me and how you will see how these words damaged my spirit.

During all these trials and tribulations since December I was talking to a friend. She said I really needed to pray more and cast out these demons in my home that were haunting me and my family. Harmless words but let me explain my interpretation of them and how it affected me.

I have thought a lot about those comments and I can reluctantly admit that they crushed me. I felt like I was a bad Catholic. I wasn't doing enough to call myself a Catholic nor reap the benefits of a "true" Catholic. It was my fault all these things were happening, I was not fulfilling my duties as a Catholic so I was being punished. I stopped attending Mass. Not only because of these words but also from the deep depression I was already in. The combination of the two issues going on were lethal. The more Mass' I missed the heavier the guilt but the easier it became. Overall I realize now I believed that I was unworthy and ultimately a bad Catholic. Did this person mean to say such horrible things to me? To get me to stop attending Mass? I believe not, however her words influenced me and unfortunately in a negative manner in which being weak already with grief my normal rock solid frame of mind wasn't strong enough to fight.

See being influential isn't always something we try to do but sometimes and more often than not we end up influencing someone without notice. Be cautious that when someone is influenced by your actions or words that the outcome is a positive and doesn't make an already bad situation worse. Thinking to yourself that you must do the right thing even when you think no one is watching because what you don't realize someone is always watching.

Who is my other Man in Black?

2009-06-07T22:04:00.005-04:00

When I first began my journey to becoming a Catholic I really only knew Father White. Eventually I met Father Foley. He is the head Pastor of St. Mary's of the Assumption Church. He is an absolute Wonderful Man.

He is kind, soft spoken, and extremely caring. Once while I was attending RCIA, Father Foley came in to teach us students how to do a proper confession. He went through it and said OK Trish you will be the Priest and I will be the confessor. So he thinks for a minute and starts up. He proceeds to say Father I have not spoken to my brother for 10 years. What? I was freaking out! (I didn't show an ounce of emotion for the first time ever I know) but I couldn't believe it. My heart starting to beat like crazy and I started to sweat. Are you kidding me? I know someone is kidding me!

At the time he spoke those words I hadn't spoken to one of my sisters for 14 years. Not a peep with exception to one time I called her to give her an update on my mom and that was all I did. No small talk before or after. Was Father Foley actually confessing that not talking to a sibling was a sin? Why else would he be saying it? Was there any possible way he knew I hadn't spoken to one of mine? Was I being punked? That's what it is huh? Ashton Kutcher is going to come out and for the first time in his celebrity life he was going to punk a non-celebrity, right?

I stumbled through the confessional process and left RCIA really mixed up with what truly had happened in there. I stewed about it for a week at which point I sent my sister an email and told her that I was over it and lets let by gones be by gones. It was an amazing thing to have had this happen. It was obviously the Holy Spirit talking through him to me but it was my first real sign of it.

Up until that moment I sometimes questioned my Catholic journey wondering if it was the right thing to do, was it for me, was it real, etc. That incident gave me the 100% assurance that I needed to know that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.

Later after the baptism (Father Foley actually conducted the baptism) he asked me to speak during a Sunday Mass about my journey to becoming a Catholic. (The actual journey words I spoke to come on a later blog). I worked on that speech for awhile. I wanted it to be perfect. Father Foley asked for a copy of it so he would have an idea what I would be saying and thought it was good so I worked up the courage to do it.

I have to say that that was definitely one of the coolest and most rewarding things I have done as a Catholic. The response was overwhelming and I can't thank Father Foley enough for giving me the opportunity to do that. I will never forget the feeling of standing up their talking about my story and seeing how many people truly wanted to hear it.

Father Foley was responsible for my baptism and washing away all my prior sins, so for that I can never repay him. He has this awesome dog named Victoria. Yeah I said it an awesome dog, this coming from a non-dog person to say the least. His dog is very old and sheds a lot, but is remarkably calm and lovable. She likes everyone and truly even makes me love her.

These two men in black have changed my life and I believe definitely for the good. I am not the same person I was before in a lot of ways. They give me a lot of encouragement sometimes without saying a word. I really can't imagine how terrible my life would be under the current circumstances if I didn't have them and the knowledge they have taught me.

The lord does things that we don't understand sometimes, but bringing them into my life is definitely not one of them. It was clear what I was to do and I believe God knew exactly what kind of people it would take to get me where I needed to be and these two men were the key.

Thank you Father Foley for being so wonderful and caring, you will always be a gift in my life.

Do you have a man in black?

2009-06-05T17:47:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was definitely a traumatizing day for a whole lot of people. My Aunt Evelyn died and Coty and Trae's friend Stephen died. I felt like any other person would given the circumstances. Talking with Coty, Trae and Zack (Coty's friend) till the wee hours of the night one thing was clear. These kids needed some guidance, some peace, some sort of understanding of their situation. The solution? I have two for you but this blog is dedicated to one and I will dedicate another blog to the second. So who is the solution? Who are these men I trust to help my boys? Who you ask? The only name you get in this blog is...........Father Mark White.

The most wonderful man God has ever blessed me to know. I met Father White at my neighbors enthronement. I was immediately drawn to him, which was confusing to me. (I know shocker here I was confused again). It was like he was a magnet and I was being pulled to him. I found myself really curious about this man in black. He wasn't what I pictured as a Catholic Priest. For starters he was young and "normal". By normal what I mean is that I was not Catholic (Lord knows I have needed God in my life forever) I would have thought that if I was talking to a Priest I wouldn't feel comfortable maybe even like I had to pretend I was someone else, but it wasn't like that. It was, well it was shocking.

Lets go back for a minute. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. It was the only religion I ever knew. The only Priests I had ever seen were on TV and well they were almost always older and when they talked they talked only of the bible. I guess maybe I thought (as stupid as it sounds) like Priests didn't really have a personal life outside of Church. I thought they preached, did confessions, helped people and that was it, almost like they would have no idea what day to day life was like for me, like they wouldn't be able to relate. I still find it fascinating to know personal things about them because it reminds me that although they are Priests, they are regular people just like me who do every day things too. I never really thought about it much but I guess I never considered that I might actually enjoying talking to a Priest. Boy was I in for a BIG surprise.

I thought when I first decided to talk with him that I would hold back, you know not tell him everything, I would pretend so to speak. No I wasn't planning on lying to a man of God, just not telling him everything, you know there are things you just can't say to a Priest right? Wrong! That may have been the plan but like any plans I've ever had, they change. When I pulled up to St. Mary's of the Assumption Church for the first time, I reminded myself of my plan of attack. Feel him out, read his body language, say a little and analyze his responses. Obviously I didn't understand the full role of a Priest so I believed that although he was was a man of God he was also only human and still judges, and remembers. I worried that I would confide in him and when he would see me his mind would immediately flash to this thing I had done.

Boy was I wrong. The more I met with him the more I couldn't get enough. He was like the first time you do something that you love and you can't wait till the next time. After the first couple of meetings where we just kind of talked about random subjects he handed me my first catechism book. I will never forget he handed it to me and said please don't be offended but it's written at a 7th grade level. It asks a question and then gives you the response. I wasn't offended and was happy to take the book. We set up our next meeting and I left.

I came home and I had this fire burning inside. I opened the book and began to read. As I had a question or didn't fully understand something I would place a colored flag on the page and continue on. Lets just say my book looked like a giant rainbow, and mind you I had only read about 5 chapters. When I showed up for my scheduled appointment Father White opened the door and I saw his eyes move down to the book. He looked back at me and smiled and said "Now I am a little concerned." and then he laughed.

I would ask a question he would answer, which in turn would eventually run into answering other of my questions. Little by little the flags began to disappear. When I started coming to Father White I was searching for help. I needed something, I wasn't sure what it was but I needed it. I felt dead inside, empty and soul less. I continued to meet with him and one day I realized that I was healthy again, probably healthier than I had ever been. My search was over and I honestly couldn't remember the last time that old pain had crossed my mind. It was a miracle.

Father White is the kindest, most understanding, approachable, man I truly have ever met. I could never write or say words that could fairly describe him. He has this amazing way of reaching people, saying the perfect thing at the perfect time. His voice is calming and well he talks to you like anyone else would. You know what I mean, it's almost like you're talking to your best friend. When I talk to him I feel like I can say anything I want, and he doesn't judge or think badly of me.

Anyone that knows me knows that I was always angry and loose lipped. I would say anything I felt regardless of how my words felt to others. I was a good person inside with a huge heart but it was a rare person who got to know me well enough to see it. My guard was always up and I rarely allowed anyone in.

He saved my soul, my marriage, my family, gave me hope, faith, peace and helped me find that person inside I always knew was there. I can never repay him for the priceless gifts he has brought into my life. Mr. Paul and I renewed our vows as a part of my baptismal process and I couldn't dream of anyone doing it but him.

Who is this man in black? This man who mysteriously entered into my life? The man who no amount of money could ever buy what he has given me? The man who doesn't ask for anything in return but loves unconditionally? He was/is the solution to speak to my cherished boys about their loss. No one else would do. He is my angel, the only human on earth that reminds me without saying a word that I matter, I count, and I can make a difference.

Do you have a man in black? Do you have a Father White? Do you have a Priest you can feel 100% comfortable with? If not you should search for him, because only then will your life make since. God has handed all of us these men who speak to us through God, you just have to want to find him. If you desire to have peace of mind, sound heart and be the best person you can be, you need God in your life so find your Father White. If you live near me you can share ours, he is truly a gift from God and we are all better off for knowing him.

In conclusion (I know finally right?) the day I met Father White my life began.

Devastation hit my poor boys

2009-06-04T11:50:00.012-04:00

For anyone who reads this blog. Please hug your child/children today and make sure they know how much you love them, because you never know when it will be to late. No one thinks their children will pass before they do but it happens.

Today was a normal every day scenario for my kids. Coty woke up late as he often does, and struggled to find clothes to wear to school as he remembers he forgot to do an assignment that is due today. I had no patience for it, nor sympathy. The last words I said to Coty early this morning were "I hope you like the 9Th grade because you'll be seeing it again real soon". And at that very moment my signal was lost.

Trae text me on my way into school to tell me he was up and getting ready for school. Just a normal day right? That's what they thought.....

About an hour and a half later the call came in. It was Mr. Paul telling me he was on his way to pick Coty up from school. The school had called and one of Coty's best friends was found dead this morning. He apparently hung himself. The school informed the kids of his passing and Coty and many kids were not handling it well. They didn't feel Coty could get through the day and thought we should come get him.

Below is Coty's message to Stephen from his myspace. I would like to ask for prayers for my son's Trae and Coty and for the family and all the friends of Stephen Andrew Pronobis.

"Rest in peace:Stephen Pronobis (6,3,09) Throughout all the things that have happened in my life. And every time i say it, this is undoubtedly the worst day of my life. I won't sit here and blame you. I wish you wouldn't have done it, but its too late. I wish i could have known to be there and stop you.When i heard the news i couldn't believe it. I as well as all of your friends couldn't breathe. I will always remember you, you were the best friend anyone could ask for. You were so different, and unique. Everybody loved you. I just want to show how i will miss you so much and i will never forget how much fun we had, and we could never be bored. The secret handshake. I just wish we could talk to you one more time before this happened. Its so shocking how things like this play out. I and everyone else will never forget you. Rest in peace, Coty."

Trae tells me he was just talking with him yesterday after school and they were laughing. Trae says he was one of the happiest people he had ever met. Another close friend of Stephen's "Kayla" tells me he could make anyone laugh, he was a great friend.

In Loving Memory of Stephen Andrew Pronobis - June 3, 2009

Confused

2009-06-03T17:39:00.004-04:00

On a daily basis it seems as though I am always confused. On most days I can hide the confusion, and pretend things are fine, not confusing, perfect even, but on other days the daily issues seem to get the best of me.

I find myself wondering if everyone feels the same as me, or if I am alone in this world of constant confusion. Maybe it's just as simple as I am my mother's daughter. All I know is it makes me sad. Sad because I question everything and when I don't get an answer I create my own conclusions, and because I am pretty sure I know how my mom felt all those years and I didn't understand.

Do I create my own mountain when in reality it's only a mole hill? Or possibly it is a mountain and I have lost the strength to climb it. Or possibly I know what getting to the top will bring and so I choose subconciously to continue to slip. How do I know?

Everyone has ups and downs, good days and bad but the weird thing about me is everything is personal to me. Like if Mr. Paul doesn't call me all day at work I wonder why? Sometimes I send him an email but he never responds actually I don't think he even reads them. When I ask him he says I skimmed it. Huh? I wonder what he did all day that he didn't think of me a single time? Why can't it just be his thing, his issue or his problem? Why does his lack of response have such a negative impact on me and how I feel?

If I have a fight with one of my kids I always feel bad and think of all the things I should not have said and could have done differently. Why? Is it possible that they are teens and they are to blame? Why do I blame myself for everything and take all the heat?

I think I need a 12 pound Prozac!!!!!!! Or a weeks worth of sleep either way tomorrow's a new day!

Mom against teens - ARG!!!!!

2009-06-02T18:12:00.003-04:00

I find that being a mom is so hard. Finding the happy medium between being cool and setting rules. When the kids were small it was easier. Their trials and tribulations were easier to handle and see what was right and what was wrong. Now being a mom of a nearly 18 and 15 year old I find it seems like an uphill battle. I either go against my gut or I am the bitch. The happy medium seems impossible.

For example one of the boys friends is a very polite kid and not bad in any way but I find myself immediately upset at the mention of his name. It started years ago when no matter what was happening his parents could never get him where he needed to go. We not only had to try to figure out how to get our own kids where they needed to be but we had to make arrangements for this kid too. We always ensured our kids had a way, we took off work, whatever it took to get them where they needed to be. Why did this boy's parents refuse to do what we did? Why sign your son up for anything knowing you couldn't be there to get him where he needed to be? It wasn't like it was a certain day or something came up, it's literally every game, every practice, everything. He never has a way to get there. It drives me literally insane.

Once Trae got his car it then became Trae's job to pick him up and take him home. Never once was gas money offered - nothing. Trae doesn't mind since he is a friend but as a mom I hate it. Well once again another season of picking up and taking home, every practice, every game. Obviously I know it's not the kids problem or fault but good grief come on now. So I told the father no more. Trae only has liability insurance (that we pay) and the knucklehead that worked on Trae's car after his accident cut his airbag cord so there are no airbags in the car. It's dangerous. I told him his son was not allowed to ride in Trae's car and he was not to ask Trae anymore because Trae can't say no and then when he takes him, I get mad and Trae gets in trouble. His father said that was fine.

Last night only a week after the parent to parent conversation, Trae calls me and says that his friend doesn't have a ride and he needs a ride. I was livid. How could his parents be so irresponsible? So I let Trae give him a ride to the game but afterwards his parents needed to be there to get him. During the game the parent was going on for about 15 minutes about how his son didn't have a way to the game on Thursday. Now in my mind I'm thinking it's only Monday you can't make arrangements for Thursday?

Now mind you this boy has his own licence, and a car of his own that is broken down, and his parents have 3 cars between the two of them. So why is this boy always stranded? Oh and lets no forget to mention that the father is a mechanic. No time to fix his sons car???

So I am at a cross road. Do I allow the boy in the car after I have already made it perfectly clear that I am not comfortable with it? Should I make the boys suffer because his parents aren't available to get him where he needs to go? Should I force another parent to be in the situation I have been in for years? Ultimately my boys are mad because they think I am being unreasonable. Of course Trish is the bad guy what's new?

I feel like why am I responsible to get this boy where he needs to be? Why does he need to be in my son's car? I paid for the car, I pay for the insurance and I paid 2200.00 to get the car fixed when Trae wrecked it and my husband has been unemployed since January 2009. Why can't his father fix his own son's car?

I feel like it's a matter of principle. He isn't my kid and I am not responsible for him but by doing that my boys get mad with me. Help me out, what do you think? Your advice is requested.

Trae is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-02T00:04:00.007-04:00

When Trae and Coty moved here permanently in 2002 Trae was 11, Coty was 8 and Logan was 2. Trae wanted to play football. Well I was not thrilled to say the least. He played in Oregon and was so good that the coach's would see Andy on the road and flip U'ies to chase Andy down and find out if Trae was playing. He was the STAR Quarterback with quite the remarkable arm. Reluctantly I signed him up and thankfully Coty wasn't interested "yet". The first day Trae felt intimidated by the fact these kids seemed to be so much different. See the kids here they are born playing football, by the time they are 11 they seem like they should be playing in the NFL. Lets not forget the boys were not acclimated to the weather (heat/humidity) here. Living in Alaska he was not ready for full pads, 100 degrees and humidity then getting pummelled. Lets just say during the first day of practice Trae pulls me aside and says he doesn't want to play. Holding back the tears (of joy) I said that's fine Trae how about we try baseball.

That's how it started. I signed him and Coty up for baseball and thought we would try it out. Well that's all she wrote. My boys have this unbelievable love of the game. They ate, slept and talked of nothing else. Paul and I got real used to driving in separate cars and usually different directions. Run, Run, Run that's what we did. None stop from one field to another, from March to October. Paul who grew up with the game (his dad was a pitcher for the Houston Astros) was loving it.

As a freshman Trae made Varsity for his school and Coty was playing Little League, then his sophomore year Varsity again and Coty Little League. Now Junior year comes and Trae decides that he doesn't love the game anymore. WHAT? Are you joking me? Is today April fools day? OMG! I was devastated. I cried for two days, I just couldn't believe it. Here he is this kid that everyone says has such raw talent and he is a left handed pitcher (very rare) and his heart isn't in it anymore. He quit his high school team. It was very hard for me to understand. WHY? Oh God how will I pay for college now? I was so sure he would receive some kind of scholarship - now what?

Coty had terrible grades and we told him he couldn't play either, and Logan well he simply doesn't enjoy it. What the heck is going on? Paul and I spent every day at the fields for 7 years and so we decided to get on the board for Little League and for the first time no kids are playing. Can someone shoot me in the foot? I was wondering what summer would be like with no kids to watch play ball. I had nothing to look forward to now.

Coty's coach called and asked if Coty could please play on his team. Coty has this unreal love for the game of baseball. I swear you can't "watch" a game if he is in the room. His jaws continue to flap. He knows every team, every batter, every coach, every stat, everything. It's simply not normal for a 14 year old boy to know that much about one thing and yet this is the same kid that can't stay focused on any one class in school??? Coty has never had a lack of heart and I don't think he will ever not have fun playing baseball. I always tell Coty the best job for him is to be a sports commentator. He is ridiculous with the game of baseball. So the coach and I decided that maybe playing ball would help him do better in school. I gave in. Of course like usual I gave in and said yes.

Logan is also left handed and has a lot of potential in baseball. I think he can really do something with it but he doesn't love it. If I push now I may regret it later so I don't push - YET!

Somebody pinch me I must be having a nightmare.

Little League has a "Big League" team for Trae and they wanted Trae to play. I told the coach that I knew Trae didn't want to but if they needed him in order to have enough kids to play I could get him too. So they said they needed him. He wasn't happy to say the least but felt that he wouldn't not play and make all the other kids not be able to either for lack of enough to make a team. I thought I had it all figured out...until his friend Mason (the coach's son) tells him at school that they had 20 kids on the team. OOPS I failed to remember his friend was the coach's son. Darn it. At first Trae was throwing and his shoulder was really bothering him and he was not liking it. He was rusty and struggling.

Then all of a sudden, he bought a hit away to hook up to the basketball hoop, so he could practice hitting, he started throwing with one of his fellow team mates, and tonight he pitched the entire game. OMG --- is he's back? He is loving it again. I watched him smile when he struck out the best hitter on the opposing team (more like humiliated him). I looked over at the dug out and actually saw Trae laughing.

It's hard to describe how wonderful that was for me. It's actually indescribable. I know all parents think their kids are great at this or that, but at a certain point even parents know when their kid just doesn't have what it takes. That is not the case with Trae. He truly is gifted at the game. His coach's say he has "raw talent", a "gift", "so much potential" and to hear that stuff about you child every year when you know they love it to just makes your heart skip a beat. It's the best feeling EVER! I feel like this is Trae's chance to do something that he loves to do and yet either get some college paid through scholarships or maybe if he continues to grow and get better maybe even more and I want this for him so bad I can taste it.

He and Coty are beginning to go to a hitting coach and he is going to work with both of them and get them closer to their dreams and my hopes. This coach got a full ride scholarship to University of North Carolina and then played for the Philadelphia Phillies. He knows his baseball to say the least, he is a high school coach and even better he loves Trae. He says Trae is a coach's dream player. He works hard, plays hard, has a good attitude and never complains.

My dream for my boys is they will all have a chance at an easier life than I had and maybe have a few more opportunities. My life is wonderful don't get me wrong but it hasn't been an easy one. Not that playing baseball is the golden ticket but what could be better than get a free or semi free education by doing something they love.

I guess in a nut shell I am so happy that Trae has found that passion in baseball again! He wants to play and practice everyday until next season. It's his senior year and his chance to shine, prove himself, to do something great, I know he can do it, I know he wants to, now just to keep him smiling and laughing, that's the key to the golden ticket.

My boys will find their way in this life and whether its baseball or not I want to say that I believe baseball will have something to do with their lives. It makes them happy it makes me happy. Good Luck boys!!!!!!

Update on Andy

2009-06-01T09:35:00.004-04:00

For those of you who have inquired about Andy and for those of you who read my initial post regarding him, I am told he is doing very well. He is still in the treatment facility. His mom tells me that he sits outside a lot and so he is getting a nice color to him, he has gained some weight and he has finally stopped shaking.

I am so proud of him for his decision to get his life back. Andy has so much potential and has such a good heart, the drinking just hid all that for so very long I am happy that the world will see the Andy that I know has been there this whole time.

I think of Andy all the time and I wonder why his life went so terribly wrong but ultimately I am so happy that he finds true happiness now and peace. He deserves it and my kids deserve to know their dad. The real man inside.

Please continue to pray for him and his family as there are never to many prayers. Andy still has an uphill climb but with the support of all of us and God I know he will be successful and the world will be a better place with him in it. Andy my hats off to you for the strength and courage this has taken and will continue to take. Always look straight down the road at the wonderful things coming and not the sides where temptation lays. Trae will be graduating next year and we expect a happy, healthy dad to be there.

NYC.....we came we saw lets go back

2009-05-25T21:51:00.022-04:00

It's late on Memorial Day and we are home watching mindless TV after a long trip home from NYC. We ended up going. I was off on Friday to finalize our weekend plans. Mr. Paul and I were on the fence with whether to go or not to go to NYC. Going was what we had our hearts set on but it didn't seem right without Coty. We ran it over and over and we just really felt that it wasn't fair to the rest of us that Coty was doing what he wanted to do - so we felt we should as well. So that's what we did.

We left shortly after 6:00 a.m. on Sunday morning. We drove for what seemed like forever and good Lord $40.00 later in stupid tolls. Good grief we have to find another route for sure those tolls were rough. But in the end we got there we got to the hotel and off we went to walk around. We were so excited when we saw the biggest flea market. It was amazing they shut down like 15 or more blocks. There were little booths on both sides of the street and people were everywhere walking in the middle. It was amazing! They had the most amazing looking food, of course we didn't eat any of it. Just wasn't hungry but man did it look good.

All the men in our house love some "UFC"

Then we had to go to FAO Schwarz the famous toy store from the movie BIG. It's pretty yuppie but very nice. They had life size chewbacca, Darth Vader, and other random characters made from Lego's.

Logan and Mr. Paul with the toy soldier

We went to a 5 story toysRus with a Nickelodeon Ferris wheel inside. Good grief it was huge, of course Logan really wanted to ride it but the line was ridiculous and time was not on our side.There is one whole block that has a huge clock in the center with the USA time (EST) and then a smaller clock for every country. Mr. Paul has a total chick shoe fetish, me I love clocks so this was fabulous for me.

We went to a 5 story Nike building. Man what is it with 5 stories there? It was so cool though when you find a pair of shoes you want to try on they call the style number and the size down over a radio and this shoot thing comes up with your shoes in it. Sort of like the shoots at some drive up pharmacy's or the drive up teller at most banks. It was really cool.

This is the Nike shoot they open

Of course I saw my favorite stores like Coach, Tiffany and Co., Louis Vuitton, Chanel, etc. I didn't go in any of them but I did take pictures.

We walked so much we finally came to Central Park where we decided to watch these dancers. What they did was line each other up and then one of them would get a running start and jump across all of them. I knew he could do it but wondered how he could jump across 5 men but he did it and in the middle he did some kind of spin thing.

We also went on a horse and buggy ride through Central Park. We needed to rest our feet but little did we know we got on and it seems our driver got into two fights with fellow New Yorkers who are animal rights people and feel like these rides are cruel. Of course they pick fights with our driver who decided to fight back with his video camera. He was taping the whole thing. It was insane but overall we got to rest our poor feet for about 20 minutes through the park.

We decided to go to dinner at no other than the Hard Rock Cafe NY. It was so frigging loud. Man there were old people in there I swear they were the lucky ones since their hearing has got to be infringed. If it wasn't it surely was when they left. The waiting area had a whole wall of nothing but guitars stacked up it was really cool.

Oh lets not forget the tiny little police station on times square. How cool is that for real? Even the police cars are smaller -- there must not be much crime there. (LOL)

NYC here we come..............

2009-05-21T09:07:00.008-04:00

Mr. Paul and I polled the boys about a month ago and asked if there is any place you want to go within driving distance and spend the long weekend where would it be? We gave them a few different ideas. I mean really we live in DC we can go anywhere and have such a wide variety of choices the list is never ending. Both Trae and Coty both have always wanted to go to NYC and since I have only been there once, Mr. Paul has only flew threw it and Logan never it was the perfect choice. So NYC it is we will stay in Manhattan and spend the entire weekend doing the touristy thing. Empire State building, time square, WWE restaurant (Logan's choice of course), Statue of Liberty, Little Italy, etc, it's all set. Trae took the weekend off from his job which was the only loose string and now we are all Googling different things to determine exactly what we want to do so we don't miss anything.

What do you think happens? We are all excited about this family vacation and of course like everything else in our lives the bomb was dropped.

Coty finds out that there is a Memorial Day tournament for baseball and he doesn't want to go to NYC now. Well everyone I know says well your the parent you should say he is going--which is what I did at first but what does that solve? Listening to him nag for days on end about how mean and stupid it is that I am MAKING him go on vacation? Yes he will be there but will he have fun? Will he pout and ruin our time? Who knows. So we decided to let him stay with a friend and play. That's what he wants so fine. However since we never do family vacations especially since Mr. Paul has been unemployed for 5 months, we decided to postpone NYC for another time in the summer and we will do something else fun. More to come when we figure out what the fun will be. Arg! Teenage kids are such a pain sometimes. Sometimes it seems like you can't win for losing.